And now for a bonus Friday afternoon post (aw yeah, I’m a rebel without a cause). Every day on average I get about five readers either asking if I’m pregnant or straight up “calling it” via comments, email, twitter, pinterest, instagram, or carrier pigeon. Which adds up to answering that question – and crushing the dreams of those calling it – around 150 times a month, and a whopping 1,800 times in the last year. The prego-chatter has even hijacked a few comment threads on posts about non-uterus-y topics like room updates and tour infographics. Holy bump-watch, batman! We haven’t seen one of those around here since 2010.
First I’ll get one little detail out of the way: I’m not pregnant. My womb is currently uninhabited.
It’s actually really cool that so many people are excited about the possibility of us expanding this little family of ours. But with the complications of my past (here’s Clara’s birth story for more on that) nothing is guaranteed. My next pregnancy will be high risk and my next child will have a 25% chance of the same life-threatening complication that Clara had. So that definitely contributes to our timing and our general state of mind with regard to any potential bun in the oven. And sometimes all the “you’re prego!” guesses can be a little tough to field day in and day out.
I completely understand that all the excited folks who are inquiring don’t mean any harm (in fact I feel like I should be hugging you while typing this, seriously I love you guys) but in general I think asking someone if they’re pregnant can be a little dicey…
- It can suggest that you think they’ve gained weight (sometimes I have a tummy – thanks burrito! – but it’s not a baby)
- It can unintentionally sadden someone who has had trouble getting pregnant or has miscarried (neither of which I’ve personally encountered up to this point, but I certainly could moving forward)
- It can put them in an uncomfortable position if they are pregnant, but aren’t ready to announce it (which eventually could happen to me for sure)
So this little uterus-centric service announcement is just to solemnly vow to you guys that when the time is right, if we’re blessed with another bouncing bean in the oven, I promise, you will know. Heck, we’ll be so freaking excited that there might be another t-shirt in it for Burger…
So sit tight and know that although you won’t be the first few people we tell (gotta give that privilege to the fam) you’ll definitely hear it straight from our perma-smiling mouths (er, keyboard?) if we reach that safe-to-share milestone. Until then, picture me sipping wine, eating sushi, and soaking up non-prego life as it is right now. With my sweet pooch, my nail-gun-slingin’ hubby, and my little miracle girl (who currently knows the words to nearly every Adam Levine song – seriously, try her).
Thanks so much for understanding, guys. I can’t wait to see what the future holds. And I hope you’ll be sweet to each other in the comments (everyone’s hearts are in the right place about this whole thing). Besides, this means we can all spend more time studying Princess Kate’s royal bump. Where is she hiding that baby? Seriously, can somebody tell me? My belly blocked the view of my feet by 20 weeks (see the second picture in the grid above), so I can only guess that superior lineage = superior baby-hiding prowess.
kristen says
you are awesome.
Mari says
I honestly don’t know how you deal with the question as often as you do. Yes you put your private life out there a bit for those of us in the sort of nosy public but seriously you should be allowed to wear an unflattering shirt or post an awkward photo without people trying to be the first to guess your business.
Andrea says
This post wants makes me want to give YOU a hug — what a gracious and classy post. Thank you for it. :)
Jocelyn says
I think you handled this touchy subject with such class! Now, do you have tips on how I can address this very same issue with my mother-in-law?? It’s bad. To the point that I am being introduced by her as, “This is my daughter-in-law, Jocelyn, who still hasn’t given me grandchildren.” I never found it funny, and it becomes even less so with each re-occurrence. I feel the same way you do with regard to why asking someone if she is pregnant can be hurtful and awkward. My husband and I have decided to sit down with his mother and tell her that she needs to stop with the pregnancy pressure because there will come a time when we are trying, and if we are having trouble, that will not make it any easier. Hopefully she will understand.
I love that you share so much of yourselves with us. And I love that you found a nice way to have an uncomfortable conversation. I’m definitely taking some notes.
YoungHouseLove says
Oh man, that’s a toughie about the MIL – maybe just email her a link to this and say “thought you’d like this post… no reason.” Haha!
xo
s
Sarah W. says
When my sister got married, her MIL asked someone at the rehearsal dinner if my sister was “able to have children.” We thought that was extremely rude, but it got worse when my sister was finally ready to have a baby. When they started trying it took them five years of fertility treatments & invitro, and they lost five pregnancies before turning to adoption. I can only imagine how my sister must have felt about her mother-in-law during that time.
Good luck talking to your MIL. I think it’s important to be open about it before it potentially becomes an even more hurtful situation.
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Sarah, I’m so sorry for your sister’s loss.
xo
s
Bethany says
Jocelyn: I have been trying to get pregnant for several years. The best piece of advice I ever got regarding mother-in-laws (or mothers) behavior that bothers you: Have a little heart to heart with the offender and tell her how hurtful the other (mother or mother in law) is when she makes comments about your pregnancy. That will shut her up like a clam.
Shannon says
All you can do is what is best for you, your health and your family. My husband and I have 1 son who is now thirteen and that works for us. No regrets. My sister-in-law has had 9 children! So there was some family pressure to have more but no thanks. It is what it is. Take Care :D
Brenda says
Other than people watching for a bump on Princess Kate, I see more people on Sherry bump watch than any celebrity. You’re famous!
Shannon says
We suffered 2 miscarriages after having our miracle daughter. Dealing with all the questions is saddening and annoying at the same time! I know the questions come from a good place, but it doesn’t make it easier.
Kudos to you for putting this out there!
YoungHouseLove says
I’m so sorry for your loss Shannon.
xo
s
Kelli @ Little Cottage of Mine says
Well said Momma! Y’all will know when the right time is and we’ll be here to give you a big congrats and wish you all the happiness in the world! Enjoy this special time when Clara is your only (human) baby! :)
Ps…I just happened to be ahem preggers with our second! Yay! I’m excited but mourning the end of an incredible stage with just the three of us.
take care of yoself grrrr! We love you guys!
Kelli
Sarah says
I can SO relate to this. I am asked constantly if we’re going to have more children and assumed to be pregnant any time I eat a snack. We have 6 children and we DO want more, but I’m now suddenly suffering from secondary infertility and we have been unable to get pregnant for the past 17 months. Because we have a large family we even have strangers in public ask if I’m pregnant yet. It’s painful because we do want another so badly.
Alina says
I totally agree with the other posters – what a classy way to handle this, and I love the post title!
I just learned that some coworkers are starting to wonder when I’m going to have another baby (my first will be 2 in May), and that every time I’m sick (which is a lot now that my son is in preschool and bringing home the germs – does Clara “share” like that, too?) they speculate if I’m pregnant or not. Thanks, guys!
And not only does this make me paranoid about my post-lunch food baby every day – if I tell people that we’re not planning to have a baby soon (which is true) and then we DO get pregnant (which would be unlikely, but a welcome blessing after struggling the first time around), they’ll all assume it was a mistake!
Megan says
I sometimes hate being a female. First it is when are you getting married, and then it is when are you having a baby. And if you aren’t holding a glass of wine, eating sushi or sandwich meat, immediately it is you much be pregnant…
LARY@ Inspiration Nook says
You go $herdog!!!!
Lindsay says
I’m so glad you gave yourself permission to write this post.
I imagine it was a difficult decision, since I can envision you worrying that some readers would feel “called out.” But you handled this in the most graceful, caring way possible. And it really needed to be said.
You’re good people, $herdog. Thank you for sharing so much with us.
Jessica K. says
Very eloquently put.
Lyndse says
I loved this post! Thank you for sharing! We have never experienced issues with infertility or miscarriages, but we do have a daughter with disabilities…which presented other challenges when making those decisions about future Ballews. Now that we find ourselves pregnant again {and with our last natural child, since my body can make and grow babies, but cannot birth them on its own}, we have heard some of the most hurtful things imaginable. Although Baby #3 was a surprise, it is still awkward to hear, “Wow! That must not have been planned! How are you going to handle another?” from people you barely even know…or those closest to you. Praying for your family as you deal with living in the limelight, but still maintaining a healthy environment for your family and little Clara. Love and hugs from Missouri!
YoungHouseLove says
Aw, love right back to you Lyndse! Your family is an inspiration!
xo
s
Sarah W. says
I think in general that it’s rude to ask people questions that imply they should be living their life according to your expectations. It’d be the same thing as asking a high school senior which college they’re attending, or asking an older coworker when they’re going to retire. Let people have their own agendas; that’s what makes being human so awesome.
Good for you, Sherry. Sometimes you just have to stick up for yourself and say “Can it with the assumptions, will ya?”
Besides,readers should be happy enough with Clara. She’s such a burst of sunshine; I don’t know if we could handle twice that amount of cute!
Kristine says
“I think in general that it’s rude to ask people questions that imply they should be living their life according to your expectations.”
This exactly sums it up. Amen!
Riva says
This reminds me of a funny story! Last summer we went to Old Navy right when they opened for the $1 flip flop sale and there was a family in front of us in line (there was a line to get in, lame!) and there was a very obviously pregnant woman who joined the family in front of us right before they went in (she was like a 100-pound person holding a watermelon under her shirt – about to give birth basically – and she was clearly waiting in the car until the last possible minute to stay off her feet). Anyway my husband and I were talking about the line after we got home and I mentioned the pregnant woman and my husband said, “Oh, she was pregnant? I just thought she was fat!” Apparently he was raised to never ever assume anyone was pregnant until she actually tells you she is, bless his heart!
Hailey says
<3 Very thoughtful post. <3
Mariah says
Sherry I’m a long time reader and only commented once before. This is a beautiful and gracious post. Thank you for sharing! You are such a lady. Godbless you and your precious family.
Imogen says
Good on you!! I get this question constantly too, and every month it doesn’t happen, those questions cut a little deeper.
Chrystal says
You are so lovely. <3 That is all! xo
Stephanie C. says
Good for you! You guys are great!
Tara says
That was a great way to address the issue! After my son spent 4 days in the NICU, my hubby and I decided we can never ask anyone if they are preg unless we know for sure! The week postpartum, most bellies def still look pregs (I totally did!) and it could be totally sad/awkward if the mommy had just had her babe and the babe was still in the hospital. And when there’s a preg woman around, the only comment you should make is ‘you’re beautiful!’ What woman wants you to be the judge on if her belly is too big or too small or too round or low or high or any other crazy comment made…. ;)
YoungHouseLove says
I love that!
xo
s
Jen @ Domesticated Nomad says
You handled that with tact and grace. Kudos. I know people just love you guys and get excited, but this was a good polite, yet firm reminder that some things are private. And, um, no need to fear burrito belly – you are beautiful woman.
You do look great in your prego pictures as others have noted, but I need to give a shout out to John for his not-so-prego pic. Awesome. :)
Melise Harris says
That was the nicest way I’ve ever heard anyone say “no, i’m not pregnant, stop asking!” haha! Thanks SO much for sharing this. Honestly! Not enough people with a true ‘voice’ speak out enough on this topic. Very brave of you! I struggled for over 3 years to get pregnant and finally ended up adopting two of the worlds most beautiful little girls! I’m insanely happy now but still so sensitive to the “are you preggers” question for the exact reasons you listed. After my girls were born I got the craziest adoption related questions too. “Where’s their real mother!” and my personal favorite from a lady in the check out isle when I had my 2 month old with me “Oh she’s adopted? You must get a lot more sleep then!” Ummmm, yea that’s how it works! LOL
Having said all that, I think it’s safe to say. You’re the most adorable couple/family/bloggers and I love reading your blog. I think the questions you’re fielding are simply ignorant peoples way of saying we love reading your blog and we can’t wait to follow on your second little pitter patter feet journey but they don’t really have the right words. Cudos to you!!
YoungHouseLove says
Wow, I can’t believe people said those things to you!
xo
s
Stephanie says
You are an incredibly nice, tactful person for responding this way, Sherry. I’m afraid I wouldn’t be so nice if I put the way I feel into words, when people ask me if I’m pregnant. I get it all the time; mostly because I’m overweight, and most of my weight is on my belly, as opposed to butt, thighs, etc. So freakin’ embarassing.. Even more heart-breaking is the fact that I have Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), and my husband and I have been trying for a baby for a while now, with no luck. I would love to be able to tell everyone “Yes!”, but until then…quit askin’, people. :(
YoungHouseLove says
All the best of luck Stephanie!
xo
s
Kearney says
the only time it is appropriate to ask a woman if she is pregnant is when you see the baby’s head crowning…
I’ve never been (or tried to be) pregnant, but I have been asked several times if I was and repeatedly asked if/when I was going to be. sorry to disappoint, i’m just thick in the middle and kids are great, just not for me.
i’d totally get another dog if I were you guys.
Ash says
Thanks for approaching such a delicate topic in such a nice, tactful way.
Jessica says
What an awesome (and nice) way to put it. I personally am firmly in the “never ask a woman when she’s due unless you see the baby crowning” camp, and that goes for women on the internet, too.
holly says
i got asked if i was pregnant once. i was in the midst of purchasing my first home, and i guess i ate my anxiety. it was insanely hurtful as i was trying to tell myself that no one could really tell i was packing on the pounds during a stressful time.
i’m glad you put this out there in such a tactful way. sometimes curiousity, even when it’s meant in kindness, can be really really hurtful.
Jessica says
ahh!I’m 20 weeks with our first today and a fellow short girl!
I’m looking an awfullllll lot like your 20 week photo.
Not much room to go but out for this little one! :)
YoungHouseLove says
Congrats Jessica! Enjoy the kicks and stretched out pants! Haha!
xo
s
Susanne says
So timely…..just yesterday someone asked me if I was pregnant, if my husband and I planned to have kids, and assured me that “I still have time”. It still shocks me that some people, though well meaning, don’t realize how personal these questions are. Thanks for the post , Sherry.
Vanessa says
I couldn’t agree with you more. I have one child as 6 year old so I have been getting those questions for about 5 years now. My daughter was extremely premature ( 10 weeks) and not only that I had a tough pregnancy with abnormal blood work and sonograms. Thankfully my little Ava is a healthy 6 year old now. I honestly think I am just scared and know I will be high risk if there ever is a second time around. Its a little hard for others to understand that I guess. But you are right their hearts are in the right place. Thanks for sharing.
YoungHouseLove says
I’m so glad Ava is healthy and happy!
xo
s
lu says
Kudos to you! And thank you! And I agree 100%.
Tracie @cleverlyinspired says
where as I would just say…”back off yo…it’s my uterus not yours….go bug somebody else about populating the earth…”…you my friends…are too gracious to belt that out. I tried for 9 months to get preggers (13 years ago)…and then naturally ended up with twins. Since then…almost every year since they were two I have heard..”so you going for another set…??” to which my honey always responds….ahh no…we have populated the earth enough already;)
xoxo
T
Eileen says
What people don’t realize when they ask that very personal question is that if you are pregnant, they put you in the position of either a) being truthful and revealing news you aren’t comfortable sharing yet or b) lying. I have four kids, and it seemed I was always perpetually offending someone who thought I should have told them about my pregnancy sooner or who felt I hadn’t been straight with them. You can’t win. Were I in your shoes, I’d be soooo tempted to issue a blunt statement like, “We will not be commenting at all on any inquiries about a possible pregnancy. Period.” You are one classy dame, Sherry!
Lauren @ Lettuce Eat Cake says
This is an amazing post. It’s extremely rude to ask a woman if she’s pregnant, for all the reasons you listed and even more. I’ve been married for coming up on two years, and I even find the question “So when are you guys going to start a family?” really invasive. It’s SUCH a personal topic. What if I am having fertility issues? What if I’ve recently had a miscarriage? What if I’m choosing not to have children and don’t feel like justifying that decision to people I barely know? When my best friend was pregnant a couple years back, there was a somewhat awkward eight-week period when I knew she was probably pregnant, just not ready to share the news. And I never once asked her, because I knew she would share the news when she was ready. I think some people forget that you are a real person, and if they wouldn’t ask you a question or make a comment in real life, they shouldn’t pose it on the blog. Great job politely standing up for yourself, Sherry!
Melissa says
I am trying to look through the comments to see if you answered this, but my computer is being weird. Where did you get the burger big brother shirt? Or did you make it?
YoungHouseLove says
We ordered it online somewhere… oh yeah thetshirtdeli.com I think! Maybe google T shirt deli and see what comes up?
xo
s
Renee says
Well put! Cheers on making the best decision for you and yours!
Brittany D says
Sherry, I can 100% relate to your mix of frustration and appreciation. Thanks for informing those who don’t think before they speak. You never know that person’s situation and shouldn’t assume anything!
Krystal says
I love this. As a person who has had both infertility issues and a heartbreaking miscarriage, this is exactly what people need to hear! Seriously, why do people think its any of their business what goes on in your bedroom (which really is what it boils down to) or your uterus? Irritates me!
Marlena says
Kudos to you, Sherry, for handling a sensitive topic with aplomb. We (thankfully!) have a gorgeous girl, but faced two years of secondary infertility (yes, we tried everything – http://inmadison.wordpress.com/2012/05/16/thats-the-plan/) before realizing it wasn’t going to happen (I wrote about it here: http://inmadison.wordpress.com/2012/07/02/for-sale-the-whole-lot/). Since all of our friends are in baby zone, I was asked constantly if I was pregnant, especially since I’m a plus-sized woman. I shared with my friends, that unless someone tells you they are pregnant – never, ever ask – it’s so personal! If it’s a close friend, then just offer to listen. All this to say, thanks for writing this.
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Marlena, I’m so sorry for the struggles you have had. Nothing but love to you and your family!
xo
s
Linda says
Brava, Sherry!!
Jenny G. says
Number two on that list is really the only reason you need. People just do not seem to get how insensitive that question is, whether well-meaning or not. To someone with fertility issues or pregnancy loss, every time they get asked that it’s like a slap in the face, and a reminder that they are mourning the loss of their child they will never have.
Also? Secondary infertility is a very real thing. Just because someone has had a child doesn’t make them a baby factory.
KiTX says
I wondered if a post like this would happen at some point, and I’m really glad it did- and in such a graceful and lovely way. I have a common disorder called PCOS that makes getting pregnant more difficult (and for some women, impossible). The questions from family and friends ranged from annoying to uncomfortable to just painful, even if you know they’re coming from a well-intended place. I think it’s a lot easier for everyone involved if people just follow my husband’s general rule- “Never ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see a baby coming out of her, because she’ll probably tell you if she thinks you should know.” :) And sidenote- now that I’m very happily 4 months pregnant myself with the help of modern medicine and my bump popped a day ago, what IS up with Kate’s barely there bump??? That girl is just amazeballs in every way.
YoungHouseLove says
Aw congrats KiTX! That’s so exciting!
xo
s
Robyn says
Well said $her-Dog! I’ve been trying to conceive for 18 months and the constant questions from well meaning friends and family are very difficult to bear at times (even before we were ready to start trying!) so I can only imagine how awkward it is for you having hundreds of strangers making comments about the very private state of your uterus regularly!
xxx
Laura says
Good for you! :-) I’m sure it gets really annoying to answer that question so many times. The problem is that we all feel like you and John are our best friends. Best to you both for the future. Whatever that looks like!
Anika says
Sherry I’m so glad you wrote this post – I’ve been getting annoyed for you with everyone asking constantly. As usual you’ve handled the conversation with compassion and grace.
Krystal says
I also think you should put the link to this post on the top of every single post you do. Lol
YoungHouseLove says
Hahah!
xo
s
KC says
I can imagine how tough it is to deal with the (well meaning) comments on a daily basis, so bravo to you for fielding them with such grace and warmth!