And now for a bonus Friday afternoon post (aw yeah, I’m a rebel without a cause). Every day on average I get about five readers either asking if I’m pregnant or straight up “calling it” via comments, email, twitter, pinterest, instagram, or carrier pigeon. Which adds up to answering that question – and crushing the dreams of those calling it – around 150 times a month, and a whopping 1,800 times in the last year. The prego-chatter has even hijacked a few comment threads on posts about non-uterus-y topics like room updates and tour infographics. Holy bump-watch, batman! We haven’t seen one of those around here since 2010.
First I’ll get one little detail out of the way: I’m not pregnant. My womb is currently uninhabited.
It’s actually really cool that so many people are excited about the possibility of us expanding this little family of ours. But with the complications of my past (here’s Clara’s birth story for more on that) nothing is guaranteed. My next pregnancy will be high risk and my next child will have a 25% chance of the same life-threatening complication that Clara had. So that definitely contributes to our timing and our general state of mind with regard to any potential bun in the oven. And sometimes all the “you’re prego!” guesses can be a little tough to field day in and day out.
I completely understand that all the excited folks who are inquiring don’t mean any harm (in fact I feel like I should be hugging you while typing this, seriously I love you guys) but in general I think asking someone if they’re pregnant can be a little dicey…
- It can suggest that you think they’ve gained weight (sometimes I have a tummy – thanks burrito! – but it’s not a baby)
- It can unintentionally sadden someone who has had trouble getting pregnant or has miscarried (neither of which I’ve personally encountered up to this point, but I certainly could moving forward)
- It can put them in an uncomfortable position if they are pregnant, but aren’t ready to announce it (which eventually could happen to me for sure)
So this little uterus-centric service announcement is just to solemnly vow to you guys that when the time is right, if we’re blessed with another bouncing bean in the oven, I promise, you will know. Heck, we’ll be so freaking excited that there might be another t-shirt in it for Burger…
So sit tight and know that although you won’t be the first few people we tell (gotta give that privilege to the fam) you’ll definitely hear it straight from our perma-smiling mouths (er, keyboard?) if we reach that safe-to-share milestone. Until then, picture me sipping wine, eating sushi, and soaking up non-prego life as it is right now. With my sweet pooch, my nail-gun-slingin’ hubby, and my little miracle girl (who currently knows the words to nearly every Adam Levine song – seriously, try her).
Thanks so much for understanding, guys. I can’t wait to see what the future holds. And I hope you’ll be sweet to each other in the comments (everyone’s hearts are in the right place about this whole thing). Besides, this means we can all spend more time studying Princess Kate’s royal bump. Where is she hiding that baby? Seriously, can somebody tell me? My belly blocked the view of my feet by 20 weeks (see the second picture in the grid above), so I can only guess that superior lineage = superior baby-hiding prowess.
Nancy says
Bless you and your beautiful family, that is so obviously full of love. I hope that the future holds whatever you dream for, be that another adorable bean, a new friend for burger or more wine!
Bridget says
This is a very classy post. When people ask me about the state of my uterus, I have been known to get a bit upset about it. We quit going to a church group because everyone always kept asking me about why my husband and I have no kids. As a result, I’m super duper sensitive to not doing it to others.
Bethany says
Good for you for telling people what’s up! We had our first six months ago, and already we’ve been getting asked, “when are you having number two?” Let us enjoy our family of three, people! My uterus. My business.
Jess Nicolosi (DeCesare) says
Good for you, Sherry, and so nicely written. My heart breaks for you every time you have to field one of those questions or insinuations. I don’t know how you’ve kept quiet for so long. Thank you for reminding everyone of common courtesy. Perhaps a second career as a Dear Abby or Emily Post is in order??
J says
Well said! I wish everyone would read your “Why you shouldn’t ask a woman if she’s pregnany 101.” A few years ago, we told a few family members and friends we would start trying once I got my masters. I guess it seemed so far off at the time, that we didn’t mind telling. Well, that time has come and gone, and unfortunatly we’re still not pregnant and NOBODY forgot our timeline. People are constantly asking, and I agree that it’s actually a little sad when they do. Maybe I need to email them all this link haha. On a happier note, when your time comes I wish you a happy and healthy 9 months. In the meantime, enjoy your little Clara and give her lots of hugs and kisses. It’s so obvious from your posts and pictures how very loved she is. You’re very blessed :)
Alice H says
It is rude of people to ask all the time. I am very careful about asking people who are even my friends, let alone a stranger.
Shanna says
Completely agree! I have a two year old boy and everyone tells us it is time to have give him a baby sibling. I recently experienced a miscarriage at 11.5 weeks with our second so the inquiry now stings a bit. I don’t get upset or mad, but it makes me feel awful for ever asking anyone that question in the past. You just don’t know what someone is going through. You handled it well. And good luck to whatever you decide!
YoungHouseLove says
I’m so sorry for your loss Shanna.
xo
s
Cat says
You have done a great public service by sharing this. Maybe people will think twice about asking women such rude questions. Like many others who responded, I went through a long struggle with infertility which included the stillbirth of a beautiful son.
Honestly, the only time I was not offended by such questions was when someone asked me recently if I was planning to have another child. Being close to 50, I replied, “Wow, I’m flattered that you think I still could!”
YoungHouseLove says
Haha!
xo
s
Jules says
I was just thinking recently how SKINNY you were looking in some of your latest photos. It can’t be a result of your weight! Maybe you need to add “state of the uterus” to your side bar, so people can look there if they are wondering. LOL.
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks Jules :)
xo
s
Claire says
THANK YOU for this post. I cringe a little every time someone asks about the state of your uterus. I figure you guys won’t make us read between the lines to figure out if you are pregnant and when you’re ready to share it will be pretty darn obvious. Best wishes for when you do decide the time is right to work on bean #2.
Elizabeth says
Amen sister! Fantastic post! It’s the ol’ thing that people forget you are, in fact, a real person with real feelings, not just a reality tv (internet?) celebrity. You have to have the people that live their lives like the rag mag’s – throwing a revelation out there, then on a whim if it’s true they can proclaim THEY KNEW IT!
Having friends deal with infertility and losses has really opened my eyes to what’s appropriate in the world of “are you pregnant”. Beyond not knowing what’s going on behind the scenes, it’s just freaking annoying to be asked, even if you just aren’t ready for no reason other than personal choice.
I got on my husbands case for asking a 9 month pregnant gal if she is. I tell him you just don’t ask unless they tell you first. No matter how much it seems obvious.
There are many blessings in a family of 3, as well as in a family of 10. Additional pups are perfectly acceptable additions to the family too! :)
Amy says
I erred on the wrong side of a pregnancy announcement once. My almost 3 year old nephew told me there was a baby in his mommy’s belly. I wasn’t sure if it was true and if it was, if he was allowed to tell me or not — so I pretended that I didn’t hear. When it was actually true, I felt horrible because I felt like I ruined their big announcement because I was so clueless.
Aurelie says
Sherry, This post is yet another example of what a kind and gracious person you are. As a provider of prenatal care and also someone who has been through her own high risk pregnancies, I understand the emotional ups and downs of even considering pregnancy, let alone going through it. So thanks for sharing, and know that I am wishing you guys all the best. And of course am looking forwarding to hearing all about it when the time is right!
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks so much Aurelie!
xo
s
Jennifer says
You could not have said it better! How does everyone not know this already?!?! Just based on the fact that I’m married people think they have the right to ask “when” or “if”.
I have never asked anyone if they’re pregnant or when they’re planning to get pregnant. It seems so obvious to me how that could go wrong or how it could make someone feel.
shar y says
A talk show host in Houston told a story of a man that cut him off in the parking lot. The host got out of his car and was on the verge of reaming the offender out. The offender quickly said “I am sorry, my father just died.” The point I am making is that we never know what is going on with someone else so we should all take steps to remember that before we go prying into someone’s business! You did an awesome job of making the same point! Love you guys!
YoungHouseLove says
Oh man, that’s such a touching story.
xo
s
Cassie says
It’s one of those things that’s hard because like you said, people’s hearts are [mostly] in the right place. We’ve been trying for close to two years and sometimes family members [who are aware] will say things like, “so nothing yet?” and “when are you going to do such-and-such?” or “why haven’t you tried this?” and I just want to be like, you know how hard this is, stop asking me! Maybe I’ll take a lesson from you and send out my own message ;) This was so perfect!!
YoungHouseLove says
Aw good luck with everything Cassie!
xo
s
jae says
Hello youngsters. You never cease to amaze me. Would it be out of line to suggest you consider disabling the comments on this thread now? I can’t imagine reading through them is any less painful than the never ending questions.Keeping you all in prayer here.
respectfully,
YoungHouseLove says
I actually found sharing my story really healing (when I shared Clara’s birth story, the solidarity and commiseration from other people made me feel less alone) so I’m hoping the comments on this post are a safe place for people to commiserate and share their story, hopefully to feel more closure and less alone.
xo
s
Anita says
I wish people hadn’t asked you so much that you felt the need to write this, but thanks so much for eloquently voicing how so many people feel about what can be a very touchy subject! It can feel quite lonely when everything one reads / hears about is how people are having babies, “and when will it be your turn?”. I’m happy for those who are able to have children, but it can be bittersweet, too. I’ve been struggling with how to politely tell people who keep asking me the same question to mind their own business, and am gonna take a cue or two from your post. Keep on keepin’ it real!
Casey says
I read this post and immediately lost all of my socks. Seriously, I can’t find ANY of them. That is how hard you rock. You have rocked all of my socks into complete oblivion, and did it in the nicest, most gracious, most bad-a$$est way the world has ever seen.
Rock on, $herdog.
YoungHouseLove says
Hahahaha, thanks Casey! You’re too funny.
xo
s
Robyn Chamberlain says
@Casey – GREAT comment ha!
Sarah says
Thanks for such a gracious post. I’ve been married for 5 years now and get asked on almost a daily basis at work when we’re going to have babies. We’ve actually been trying for a few months, which several people know, but it gets painful when I’m asked since there are about 7-8 pregnant women in various circles of family and friends.
And if I do tell them I’m working on it, then they ask even more nosy questions. “What do you mean you’re working on it?” Do you really want me to spell it out for you? I hope you know about the actual mechanics of the process by now.
Also, even if someone is pregnant, it’s not cool to ask them – they’ll tell you when they’re ready. I had a coworker who was nauseous and exhausted, and several people kept telling her, “I bet you’re pregnant!” She kept denying it. Months later she told me she had been pregnant, and the father was a coworker who she had been secretly dating. But they had broken up and then she later miscarried. Talk about awkward. It must have been so hard for her to flat-out lie, but seriously, who wants to (or should have to) explain all that?
YoungHouseLove says
Oh no, that’s so sad.
xo
s
Stacey says
I was wondering if you had any issues with Burger during your pregnancy with Clara? I am 19 weeks along, and we have a terrier mix (I’m sure he’s part Chihuahua :). I’m super close with him – his name is Sprocket. However about 4 weeks ago he started marking again in the house. I was just curious to see if you had any strange experiences with your male dog. Just thought i’d ask :)
Thanks!
Stacey
YoungHouseLove says
Oh no! I didn’t have any issues with Burger other than when I was pregnant he was crazy protective (barked a lot more at neighbors approaching us to chat if we were out in the yard, etc). Once Clara came he was awesome though (we brought home her blanket for him to sniff before she came home and then presented him with treats and toys and lots of love when she came in the door (so he would associate her with good things). Now they’re best buddies :)
xo
s
Stacey says
P.S. This post was very well stated, and your family is awesome! We love what you do, and how you do it!
~Stacey
Amber V. says
Holy Heck. Remember that time a post reminding people to mind their business garnered over 1400 responses? Your ovaries will soon need a verified twitter account.
Toofunny says
LOL!
Mara says
Sherry, thank you so much for taking the time to write this post (with so much grace and tact too!). As someone who has miscarried twice I cringe when well meaning people ask. Not only is your post a great PSA but I’ve really enjoyed reading through everyone’s comments. I’ve experienced all 3 of your bullet points and it’s comforting to see all of your readers comment on their similar experiences – especially miscarriages and high risk pregnancies and deliveries which aren’t always discussed with friends and family. I can’t help but wonder… if so many of us agree that it’s dicey, why do people continue to ask? Anyway, great post and much love to you and your family!
YoungHouseLove says
Thanks so much Mara! And I’m very sorry for your loss.
xo
s
Robin says
This is seriously THE nicest way I have ever seen this topic addressed. You are so kind. :)
Jess Hogue says
you go, girl! i have been far more snarky in my time responding to personal questions about when i would settle down/tie the knot/reproduce, but your post shows that some gracious but no less honest retort can go a long way.
tonight, when i get home, i think i’ll have a cocktail in your honor and toast the uninhabited state of our uteruses (uteri — what’s the plural of uterus?)
WOOT!!!!
YoungHouseLove says
Haha, thanks Jess! Cheers!
xo
s
Carrie says
As someone who has been through infertility, I want to hug you for writing this post! Thank you, Sherry! Your words are beautiful and courageous (and very tactful). My husband and I waited four years for our son — our miracle baby — and during that time we endured the well-meaning but intrusive and painful comments. I had a high-risk pregnancy and also had a traumatic delivery. It’s actually comforting to read through the comments and see that others have been through something similar. Again, thanks for this. Love to your family and your sweet miracle baby, Clara!
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks Carrie, big hugs coming right back your way!
xo
s
Wes says
Such a wonderful post and a good reminder that while asking about babies/kids can feel like a social norm, it is seriously such a heartbreaker for anyone struggling.
Meghan Hall says
Well said, Sherry! xoxo
Elizabeth says
When my first child was about a year old people constantly asked me when I was going to have another. It was weird. I wanted to enjoy my time with my little guy for a while before having another. I did have a second, and a third all four years apart and I wouldn’t have it any other way!
Your story is different than mine. I hade no high risk pregnancies or other health issues. I did however have a miscarriage extremely early on and it was devastating. My heart breaks for every woman who has experienced a loss or infertility.
Oh and PS somebody that I worked with once asked if I was pregnant. ( which I was not! ) I just when I was feeling all cute in my Target flannel top she had to go and ruin my high! It was definatly aqward conversation with her after that day!
Elizabeth says
*awkward* my bad!
YoungHouseLove says
I’m so sorry for your loss Elizabeth.
xo
s
Suzanne says
I just read your Clara birth story.
Please don’t be afraid about subsequent pregnancies. My first pregnancy resulted in severe onset of preeclampsia, he was a 3 lb. preemie in the NICU. I was told that I might always have it with each pregnancy. Although I was afraid, I was fine and had 2 vback babies the next two pregnancies.
Praying for you not to be fearful,(whenever it happens) ;-) and that God will bless you with a healthy pregnancy and baby.(in the future)
God bless.
Georgina says
People really should mind their own business. Until you announce that you are prego people shouldn’t be asking or commenting
Anne says
Sherry, Thank you so much for the wonderful post. I am sorry that you have to deal with these questions so often. I especially appreciate bullet number 2. I get asked when we are planning to have another child all the time since our only daughter is three years old. Often I wish I was brave enough to say, “We’ll have another child once I’ve mentally recovered from my first emergency c-section and prep myself for another four years of the heartbreaking infertility problems we experienced trying to conceive the first time.” You handled this much more graciously than I ever could; I’ll remember this post the next time someone asks.
Siobhan says
Sherry, this was a fantastically written post. I hadn’t read Clara’s birth story before you included the link in your post. You have both been through a lot! You must be so grateful to have Clara. My hubbie and I had just decided to have kids when I found out I have a type of brain tumour (benign thankfully). It is really tough when people ask about pregnancy, as we can’t even think about it until we find out if the radiotherapy I had has stopped it’s growth (which will take a year or more)and then we have to decide if we will try for a baby knowing that hormones during pregnancy causes a growth spurt for this type of tumour. I have all sorts of thoughts running through my head when people bring up pregnancy. You really don’t know what’s going on in people’s lives. I wish you all the best in making your choices x
Rebecca H says
Thank you so much for this, Sherry and John! I’ve been reading the blog for years and never commented, but I am so thrilled to see you giving such a polite, measured and non-negotiable response to the constant queries.
As someone who desperately wants children, but has a partner with much more equivocal views, the questions and assumptions break my heart. People coyly ask when we’re going to have babies, and I want to scream that at the moment the choice I have is sort of between babies and the man I’ve been in love with for the best part of a decade (his views are slowly beginning to shift, but I can’t take it for granted). I don’t have the guts to tell people though: at the moment I have a reprieve, as I’m doing a doctorate- so I tell them I have a baby and it’s 80,000 words long!
Thank you for such a respectful and thought-out reply, and for the gentle reminder that the question that to the asker might be full of joy and hope and sweetness might be all kinds of painful and hurtful to the person you’re asking.
Beth says
I get asked this question all the time too! :/
BTW, where did you do your maternity clothing shopping Sherry? When the time comes for me, I want to look as cute as you did!
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks Beth! My tip was that a lot of the items I wore were just shirts a size or two up (I did get maternity jeans from Old Navy, which I wore the whole way through!). The purple dress is from Target’s maternity section, but most other things were just regular Old Navy tops in a larger size and those faithful maternity jeans that I wore nearly everyday! Haha!
xo
s
Jennifer says
Brilliant post – I can only imagine how long this one took you to write so graciously (probably longer than editing 1000 photos for any book/project post. Enjoy your wine, and each other!
Robyn Chamberlain says
HALLELIUH AND AMEN SISTER! I am so glad you wrote this post. Every time you have to address this topic (over and over and over again) on your blog, on instagram, in comments, etc. I feel bad. It is such a personal topic and verrrry dicy to ask a gal if she’s preg. Not to mention your point of making someone feel sad if they are or have had problems. I have friends that do this and I always speak up on my views. A gal when tell when she’s good and ready. Love ya like you’re my real friend! xoxo
Robyn in Chicago says
I can’t believe I put my real name on my comment and not my “Robyn in Chicago” secret alias! ;)
YoungHouseLove says
Haha!
xo
s
Em says
Well said. I once had to make a similar speech (to a much smaller audience) because people just don’t understand that everyone’s story is different. Sorry you had to deal with this.
Tina says
Now that you dispensed with that so graciously, I have to ask, what is it like being the mother of a chihuahua? Any advice for people who are thinking about adopting one?
YoungHouseLove says
Haha, we LOVE Burger. He has been the best pet. We’re huge fans. We did a lot of obedience training with him (over 20 hours of training) and it seemed to be a nice foundation so he’s a nice pooch and not a yippy little brat, haha! Hope it helps.
xo
s
Mary says
Hey Sherry I feel you girl. Even before I ever became a mother I was getting asked the “when are you due?” Question from ladies and MEN! Of course after I had my little guy I still got that question because four years later I still have the baby bump! I get surprised when strangers ask. Anyway, I got annoyed because I was getting asked about once a month that I buckled down and decided I’m getting rid of this baby bump. So here’s to us gals that show or don’t show it well!
Sarah C. says
I just read your account and can’t stop crying. I’m not a mom, but I can imagine absolutely nothing scarier than what you experienced. Someone once told to me, “The universe is listening – never ask, ‘how can things get worse?’. Instead, ask, ‘how can things get better?’.” I hope, if you ever decide to try again, that the universe can hear you asking to show you a more “normal” birth. Xo
Kara says
Thank you, Sherry.
Your words were so graciously and kindly written, and the message so important…
I appreciate your courage to write this post to help all of us think of how we can better show our care and respect for those with whom we interact.
You are wonderful, and I am so glad that I discovered your blog this past summer when I was DIY-ing the nursery for our first little peanut :-)
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks so much Kara!
xo
s
Bobbie Brown says
Wow. I must say that I am impressed by how gracious and sweet you were while making it clear all at the same time! You go girl! Wishing you the best of luck when the time is right to have another sweet baby :)
Jeanne says
I know that this post was from a week ago but I really wanted to give y’all a big hug! I followed the link to your daughters birth story last week and even now I am tearing up. what a day! You guys are amazing and I am so happy that everything turned out so amazing! Your little darling is truly a miracle! I wish you guys happiness in the future…filled uterus or not! But I doubt you guys will need that wish, you seem so happy already!
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks so much Jeanne!
xo
s
Sally says
Amen to everything that you said. I hate to hear that people have been asking you that question. You address it wonderfully! Thanks!!
Melissa says
This post is a wonderful reminder for all of us to think before we speak. Even if what we say comes from a loving place /it can still hurt.
I also went back to “Clara’s Birth Story” which I had never but read before. Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us. I was in tears as I read. I just wanted to hug you both. I have been following YHL for a few months now and loving the home and family pictures and information and after reading your birth story post I don’t think I will be able to look at adorable pictures of Clara again without thinking about how strong and precious she really is! Thank you for being so open with all of us!
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks Melissa!
xo
s
Sunny says
My husband’s aunt was 8.5 months pregnant when an ultrasound revealed that her child’s heart was not beating. For whatever reason, her doctor did not want to induce her, so she walked around for a week with a fully-pregnant belly, knowing that the baby inside would be stillborn. Can you imagine how she felt anytime people commented on her belly during that long week?
That is the reason I NEVER comment on a woman’s belly. Even if I’m 100% sure that she is expecting, if it isn’t my belly, it isn’t my business! You never know what that person’s life is like and there’s no reason to be invading someone’s privacy in a way that could be truly hurtful to them.
Kudos for this post. So well-said. Yet another reason I love this blog!
YoungHouseLove says
Oh my gosh Sunny, that’s heartbreaking. I’m so sorry for your friend’s loss.
xo
s
Mr. & Mrs. P says
Very well put… We get that question all the time and it drives us insane!!
Christine says
Thank you for including your bullet point about how difficult those comments are for people who have had issues. Having had a miscarriage and a stillborn son, it is a very personal and difficult question/comment for people to ask/make. I find that people who have only experienced the naive, happy pregnancies/births ask those kinds of questions.
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Christine, I’m so sorry for your loss.
xo
s