And now for a bonus Friday afternoon post (aw yeah, I’m a rebel without a cause). Every day on average I get about five readers either asking if I’m pregnant or straight up “calling it” via comments, email, twitter, pinterest, instagram, or carrier pigeon. Which adds up to answering that question – and crushing the dreams of those calling it – around 150 times a month, and a whopping 1,800 times in the last year. The prego-chatter has even hijacked a few comment threads on posts about non-uterus-y topics like room updates and tour infographics. Holy bump-watch, batman! We haven’t seen one of those around here since 2010.
First I’ll get one little detail out of the way: I’m not pregnant. My womb is currently uninhabited.
It’s actually really cool that so many people are excited about the possibility of us expanding this little family of ours. But with the complications of my past (here’s Clara’s birth story for more on that) nothing is guaranteed. My next pregnancy will be high risk and my next child will have a 25% chance of the same life-threatening complication that Clara had. So that definitely contributes to our timing and our general state of mind with regard to any potential bun in the oven. And sometimes all the “you’re prego!” guesses can be a little tough to field day in and day out.
I completely understand that all the excited folks who are inquiring don’t mean any harm (in fact I feel like I should be hugging you while typing this, seriously I love you guys) but in general I think asking someone if they’re pregnant can be a little dicey…
- It can suggest that you think they’ve gained weight (sometimes I have a tummy – thanks burrito! – but it’s not a baby)
- It can unintentionally sadden someone who has had trouble getting pregnant or has miscarried (neither of which I’ve personally encountered up to this point, but I certainly could moving forward)
- It can put them in an uncomfortable position if they are pregnant, but aren’t ready to announce it (which eventually could happen to me for sure)
So this little uterus-centric service announcement is just to solemnly vow to you guys that when the time is right, if we’re blessed with another bouncing bean in the oven, I promise, you will know. Heck, we’ll be so freaking excited that there might be another t-shirt in it for Burger…
So sit tight and know that although you won’t be the first few people we tell (gotta give that privilege to the fam) you’ll definitely hear it straight from our perma-smiling mouths (er, keyboard?) if we reach that safe-to-share milestone. Until then, picture me sipping wine, eating sushi, and soaking up non-prego life as it is right now. With my sweet pooch, my nail-gun-slingin’ hubby, and my little miracle girl (who currently knows the words to nearly every Adam Levine song – seriously, try her).
Thanks so much for understanding, guys. I can’t wait to see what the future holds. And I hope you’ll be sweet to each other in the comments (everyone’s hearts are in the right place about this whole thing). Besides, this means we can all spend more time studying Princess Kate’s royal bump. Where is she hiding that baby? Seriously, can somebody tell me? My belly blocked the view of my feet by 20 weeks (see the second picture in the grid above), so I can only guess that superior lineage = superior baby-hiding prowess.
amanda says
I’m with you on this. Especially if it’s a complicated thing. I get people asking when we’re having our next, even stray women at the grocery store. As someone who barely lived through the births of the kids I do have, this question makes me sad. I would love to have more but I can’t/shouldn’t. One day my son repeated the old ladies to me and I just broke down crying. It’s not anyone’s business. Go ahead and gain ten pounds, I for one won’t ask any questions.
Kate says
You are gracious and generous Sherry; and with this, clearly touched the hearts of so many. Beautifully done.
jenn says
That is just the kindest and nicest way ever to let people know that it is inappropriate to ask, guess or assume about a person’s pregnant state!! I want to share this with everyone I know in hopes that they will take a hint about appropriate behavior!!
Rachel says
My mom went into premature labour with my brother and had a prolapsed cord which resulted in an emergency c-section and all ended up good. She didn’t have another kid for 10 years ha ha. Whenever you two have a next one is your business!
Rachael says
Well said. It’s no-one’s business and upsetting to be constantly fielding questions. Good luck to you all, enjoy your one-on-one time with your sweet baby while you can.
Sarah K. says
I totally hear ya, Sherry. We were pregnant with our first earlier this year and lost the baby. So now, I’m constantly being asked if I’m pregnant again. Do people really think that if I was I’d announce it like that anyway?! Let me have my moment and announce when I’m ready!
:)
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Sarah, I’m so sorry for your loss.
xo
s
Cappy says
i can so relate to this having gone through 8 years of unexplained infertility. Well said and then some! People do mean well. Keep enjoying that sweet daughter of yours…she is precious!
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks Cappy.
xo
s
Kana says
well said Sherry!! We’ve been trying for over a year now with no luck so when people ask us why we’re not trying, or why we don’t wanna have kids yet, it crushes my heart every time.. My in-law’s friends are especially brutal – they guilt trip me every time saying they’re so ready for grandkids… like we’re not trying or something. At this point I don’t even say anything. I’ve learned never to say anything related to pregnancy to anyone ever.
Sarah Stäbler says
You’re so right. And what a graceful way to put it.
I will say that I am a lot more conscious of how these questions, though seemingly innocent, can really hit you when you’re down. I had a miscarriage two months ago. It was my first pregnancy, and just a week later, I had someone ask me that same question. It was really awkward because I didn’t know her that well, but I managed to give a vague answer without breaking down. And even today, our 3-year-old niece asked us the question. Wasn’t any easier hearing it from her, but I don’t blame her. It truly is an innocent question.
But I think if you or someone you know has been through something that proves pregnancy is not such an easy thing, you’ll be a lot more aware of the impact of your words.
Whenever it does happen for you again, I’ll be hoping that everything goes smoothly! 75% is pretty good odds. Good luck!
monica says
Great blog and great post.
As to the darling Kate and the little one – my theory? It’s Kate’s height. There is so much more vertical space in which a baby can nestle before a mom starts to show. We shorter moms lack the vertical hiding places so our babies push out horizontally so much earlier.
Megan says
Sherry,
First, great post!
Second, on a lighter note a couple thoughts on Princess Kate. I have seen Princess Kate in the flesh, standing mere inches from me (I was hyperventilating), and in conjunction with my job (healthcare professional) two things anecdotally: she is at least 5’10” and quite slim. I think naturally she is carrying small since there is lots of room in her torso (for lack of a better term) and eventually will pop but perhaps not until she is further along than other mothers.
YoungHouseLove says
Wow, that’s amazing Megan!
xo
s
Brenda B says
Classy & well said! I SUPER-like the way you handled this!!!! And what sweet readers that just all think the world of the two of you and hope you’ll impart more of your cool parenting prowess on another little person in the future! Good luck for whatever is in store for you!!!!
GreenInOC says
If the time ever comes I nominate the nickname “burrito”!
You’d also have the triple-B’s: Burger, Bean and Burrito!!
I know, at least I think I’m clever and hilarious!
YoungHouseLove says
Hahahah!
xo
s
Mairhead says
After over 22 years of wedded bliss (!) we finally welcomed our daughter earlier this year, we had 20+ years of people asking when we were going to have a baby whilst at the same time coping with numerous miscarriages, fertility treatments & evenutally IVF/ICSI – everyone meant well (including our Parents & Grandparents) but each question was a reminder of what we were trying so hard to achieve & hurt like hell, this post is an eloquant reminder that people should be VERY wary about making such personal comments even to those they love, no one really knows whats going on behind closed doors or what fertility issues couples may be struggling with. We wish you all the best for the future….whatever it may bring.
YoungHouseLove says
Thanks so much Mairhead! I’m so sorry for your loss and so happy about your daughter arriving safe and sound!
xo
s
Erin C says
Great post! I cringe (just because its a very personal question) every time I see someone ask you…and that has been a LOT of times ha..but you are always gracious, just as you were here :)
Kristen says
You go girl! Your classiness never ceases to amaze me (seriously, you rock)
Chris says
Sherry,
You are amazing!! Well said and well done! You speak for ALL of us who are sick and tired of that question!! I seriously want to cut and paste and send to everyone I know. In the meantime, CHEERS to you!!
Rebekah Kessler says
if this blog thing ever fizzles out, you guys could get an awesome job in PR…. you are extremely gifted in the gracious-but-clear category.
YoungHouseLove says
Haha, thanks Rebekah, you’re so sweet!
xo
s
Erika m says
I wish I had time to read ALL twelve hundred comments, there are some amazing and sad stories! I have never asked because I feel,your pain a little bit. I had four kids really close together…and became the butt of all jokes with my in laws and even my family. My mother in law even toasted a shot of alcohol to ” our next baby” when I wasn’t there. My husband works at night and I don’t sleep well now that he isn’t there at night so I gained some extra weight…but seriously…like fifteen pounds which I am already losing!? We are finished with kids, but having only one girl, we get asked when we are going to try for a sister….you are a class act…I just Announce it regularly, I’m not pregnant…now get me a shot of moonshine.
Courtney @ One Fine Wire says
Preach on, girl!
Heather says
You handled this with a lot of grace. I think it’s really good that you said what you said, because it will give everyone pause before they ask or say something about pregnancy and/ot babies, to other people in their life.
I read your Clara birth story yesterday. As a mother of 3, I cried, for you, for Clara and for your poor husband left in the hallway, having no idea what was happening to his whole world. It was surely the most terrifying, surreal and traumatizing event if your life!
Today I cried because I read about a little baby girl who also struggled to survive placental abruption. She was 9 minutes without oxygen, and very sadly, her story turned out so differently than your Clara’s. That first-time mama and first-time papa will go home to a beautifully designed nursery, personalized with their baby girl’s name everywhere… And it’s empty. They have empty arms and deeply grief-stricken hearts, after losing a 2 week battle for their baby’s life.
Your Clara is truly a miracle! What a gift! I think we all need to be reminded just how precious life is, and just how easily we can crush someone’s heart, with a seemingly “innocent” question about pregnancy and having children. Thanks for being both bold enough, and vulnerable enough, to post this!
With Love,
Heather
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Heather, that makes me bawl. I’m so sorry for them and their family. They’re in my thoughts and prayers!
xo
s
Caroline says
This makes me heart you that much more :)
Having a full term stillbirth and recently a miscarriage I am super sensitive to all things pregnancy related. People should not be so nosey. If only having kids were as easy as it is to ask such personal questions!
YoungHouseLove says
I’m so sorry for your loss Caroline. Sending you lots and lots of love!
xo
s
Erin Sanderson says
What a wonderful post. I completely understand how hurtful it can be when people start “guessing”. I recently went in for my 10 week check-up only to find out that I was losing the baby. Not a week later a woman that I didn’t even know came up to me, put her hand on my stomach and asked when I was due! I burst into tears and told her that I was in the middle of a miscarriage. I wasn’t even far enough to really show (just wearing an unflattering jacket I suppose) which means she was basically saying that I had a pot belly. I’ve been asked before but obviously this was terrible timing. YOU NEVER EVER ASK! Seriously people.
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Erin, I’m so sorry! That’s terrible. I’m very sorry for both your loss and that moment. Sending hugs from VA!
xo
s
Nicole says
I work for a company in which it’s become completely acceptable for the heads of various departments and other senior members to ask, “You’re not pregnant, are you?” Because apparently a few months of maternity leave would really inconvenience them. Thank you for being so honest and kind about this issue, which must be far more difficult to deal with on the scale you’ve had to. You make me feel better about possibly politely mentioning, next time I’m asked, that the question might be upsetting to some people.
All the best! I’m so looking forward to reading about the Petersik’s adventures in 2013 :)
Paula M. says
Wow! It’s appalling that dept heads would say things like that.
jennifer (iffles) says
LOVE that you posted this. Good for you!
Another awkward situation (though admittedly not as bad as some of the ones you mentioned) is the one I’m in. We’ve put a lot of thought into it and have decided that we don’t want to have children. It’s a personal decision that a lot of thought went into, but we don’t particularly like talking about it with people who aren’t our close friends because it’s our decision, but people often feel that because I’m in my mid thirties and we’ve been together for almost ten years that it’s appropriate to ask when we’re having kids, and it’s just not a conversation I always want to go into!
Anyway, I obviously love all the house posts, but I also love the more personal ones like this. You guys rock!
danielle says
your family certainly seems happy and complete the way it is and doesn’t appear to be lacking anything… good for you for expressing your thoughts. i’m currently pregnant and trying to hide it from as many people as possible to delay the questions/advice/”gifts of knowledge” for as long as i can… hard to imagine what it’s like when at least part of your life is in the public eye. xox.
Erin says
I love your renos and style tips and all that, but now I love you for who you are. Class act, all the way.
Jen says
You go girl! I am a huge fan and I love sharing your life. I find the pregnancy questions painful here. No matter what stage of your life you are at, people ask intrusive and inappropriate questions. I was unable to conceive in the first decade of my marriage and went on to adopt. I thought I would be free of “state of my uterus” questions at that point but no, folks then thought I might get pregnant then. They drove us so mad with these comments that we, a certifiably infertile couple went and got a vasectomy to end the conversation. Now we just get inappropriate adoption talk. Ignorance abounds my friend, take care of yourself.
Cindy says
Sherry – thank you for being so kind while still setting your boundaries! I especially love how you recognize the well-meaning intentions of those who inquire, even when those inquiries cause you pain. You and John are a class act!
My first child is 21 (yes – 21 – ack!). My second will be 6 in just a few days. To say there were some seriously tough moments in between the first and the second would be a huge understatement. I knew so many meant well, but it was painful…
Now, my biggest challenge is the fact that everyone thinks I’m my daughter’s grandmother. Couple that with the fact that they still think my hubby is her dad, so I guess that means I must look like his mom?! ARGH! Literally not a week goes by that someone doesn’t ask if I am her grandmother. I do have to admit it is starting to get under my skin. Sigh.
Even with all that, I wouldn’t give my girly up for the whole wide world! She has been such gift and I wouldn’t change a doggone thing!
You expand your little family if/when you’re ready! We’ll be here for the ride, no matter where it takes you. :-) Thank you for sharing so much of yourselves with us – you guys are awesome!
Cindy
P.S. Should you ever make it to Indiana and a ‘grandmotherly’ looking lady accosts you all with the hug of your ever-lovin’ lives, don’t panic. It’ll just be me. ;-)
YoungHouseLove says
Haha, I’m totally going to hold you to that hug Cindy!
xo
s
Mandy says
Just have to echo everyone – beautiful post! No one should ask. Ever. Ever. I admire the way you and John have handled all the inquiries.
The fiance and I just got engaged. I told my (extended) family about it in person, and literally, the first thing I heard was “Oh, that’s so exciting! When are you due?”
Um… I’m just heavy (the same size I’ve been for the last 5 years). Thanks for ruining my happy news by calling me fat, and implying that I’m only getting married because I’m knocked up. When I politely (and awkwardly) said “No” they asked if I was sure. I politely (and awkwardly) said “yeah, I’m sure” (is family holiday dinner the best place to explain to my uncle how the fiance and I can be certain?).
Who doesn’t see how rude some of those questions are?
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Mandy, that’s terrible! I’m so sorry they said that!
xo
s
Sarah says
Sherry – There were so many things that you wrote that resonated with me and I’m sure every other woman who has experienced a miscarriage or an infant loss. My first son was born with a birth defect which ultimately led to his death soon after he was born. I don’t advertise this experience but it was foremost in my mind when I became pregnant after his death and pregnant again three years later. I seems that most people are optimistically joyful about pregnancy and perhaps blissfully unaware of what can go wrong. But, for me, let’s just say I have a different life experience which causes me to approach, perhaps like you, pregnancy and a new baby differently. I, like you, had tremendous health risks when my son was born but I didn’t appreciate it at the time. In hindsight it is much more scary. I had a lot of people ask me about having additional children when they don’t know about my son and I find that my blessings are so great with my two healthy children that the risk associated with another pregnancy and a third child are too high for me. I am an only child and oddly enough many of my best friends are too. There is definitely nothing wrong with that. :) I appreciate your honesty. I wish you and your family health and happiness. Sarah
YoungHouseLove says
I’m so sorry for your loss Sarah. Thanks so much for the kind words.
xo
s
Ann Marie says
What a great way to handle this topic, Sherry. I struggled with infertility for 5 years before getting pregnant with twins. People don’t mean harm but wow, that question can hurt. Once I finally did get pregnant, I had people asking all kinds of very personal questions. My least favorite being “what position were you in when you conceived the twins?” I wish I could say I had your gift of the classy retort, but I was much more blunt. Good luck to you and your beautiful family.
YoungHouseLove says
I can’t believe they asked that!!
xo
s
KiwiKat says
BRAVO!!! I don’t know if it is a cultural thing, but I do find some of the comments you receive to be rather in-your-face rude. I guess in NZ we have a lot of the British reticence still bred into us, so we don’t flat out ask questions about fertility/marriage/personal lives as baldly as perhaps many of our North American cousins do – unless we know the person REALLY well, when it is a whole different kettle of fish!!!
That and perhaps the “don’t even think of asking” brand that I seem to have tattooed in neon on my forehead helps.
Kimberly says
Good for you! Sometimes people just need to be told. When you’re dating the burning question is ‘when are you getting married?’ and then when you get married it’s ‘when are you having babies?’ It just never ends. The husband and I don’t plan on having kids for a long long time but do you think people get it?! Nope. Anyways, so proud of what you did :)
GreenInOC says
@Ann Marie, I’m all for purposeful misdirection…
1) Well, it’s a bit personal but we were in a great financial position before all the stuff we had to buy!
2) Well, that’s a bit personal, but our financial position was bee-roke! And even worse now that I need all these suppositories (this method is called “The Stun ‘Em and Silence ‘Em”!)
3) I was a secretary / Vice-President / Judge – whatever “position” you want to use!
4) We took the position of “don’t ask, don’t tell us the gender yet”
5) We weren’t in a position for a new mattress/kitchen/house at the time but now we are
If people “correct” you, you could always ask them back, “Are you asking me to tell you what sexual position my husband and I were in when his seed met my eggs?” If that doesn’t shut them up, you could always reply, “Seriously, with how many we get into on a daily basis, how would I even be able to keep track?!”
ann marie says
Greeninioc,
Ha! Those answers are perfect! I wish I had been that witty. I was definitely not that nice. Thanks for your answers. I still can’t believe people asked that…. and more than once! Have a great week!
Kelly says
You’re very kind about the whole thing, but I can’t believe people have the balls to ask about the status of your uterus! Bless you both for being incredibly good-natured about strangers prying into your personal lives.
Hally says
Great post, and well said. We’ve just passed our 5th anniversary and the comments have come flooding in. I can definitely understand feeling like you look fat or otherwise pregnant when people run their mouths.
Angela Kintner says
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I hope the best for your lovely family!
Lisa says
That was incredibly gracious, Sherry. Those questions can be incredibly painful, even when they are from well-meaning people. Because my husband and I are so private, no one knows what we had to go through just to have our one child, or how much of a miracle it is that he is here. We dreamed of a house full of kids, but instead say a prayer of thanks every day for the one that we have. May peace and love be with your entire family today, tomorrow and always.
Lauren says
You are so darn sweet …. I’m baffled and appalled that folks would even ask such a thing….. this might be the nicest “mind your own beeswax” I’ve ever read… :)
ashley michelle says
Thank you for posting this! We have been going through infertility for almost 2 years and I feel like crying everytime someone asks when were going to have children. I couldn’t imagine getting asked on a daily basis!
YoungHouseLove says
I’m so sorry Ashley, I hope everything works out for you at the perfect time. Sending you hugs from VA!
xo
s
Jill says
LOVE IT!!! Hopefully people will give this question a break (at least momentarily) – although I’m sure they only ask because Clara is so cute and you guys are so likable/down to earth/happy parents :)
* also, loved seeing that Sherry and I share a birthday, are the same age, and totally adore our first born daughters (mine will be 3 in July!) btw – emergency c-section & still feeling nervous about the next time ….
Thanks for sharing all that you do – love seeing what you are up to :)
Kelly says
Very well said! Six months before and after having my one-year-old daughter, I had ovarian cysts removed, along with most of my ovaries. Now I’m experiencing menopausal symptoms, crossing my fingers that my body will bounce back. Even if it does, I would only be able to get pregnant via IVF. Meanwhile, my extended family keeps pestering me about having another baby. I keep trying to explain the situation, hoping word will trickle down, but it doesn’t seem like anyone really listens to me.
Of course, I’m thrilled to have had my daughter when I did. It seems like fate that we decided right then to have a baby, since a year later it might not have been possible.
YoungHouseLove says
Aw Kelly, I hope your body does bounce back, and I’m so glad that your daughter came along at the perfect time.
xo
s
Heather says
This made me cry!! You’re such a sweetheart, Sherry. I so admire the gracious way you’ve addressed this. People sort of reflexively pressure reproductive-age women all the time about this (I got it for years before my first was born), usually meaning well but frequently causing pain or aggravation. It’s easy for us to forget, but Clara truly was a miracle baby. You and John just soak that girl up and do what’s best for you, and send people the link to this post if it comes up again. :)
Kate C says
*tears* Beautiful post. I admire and thank you so much for putting pen to paper.
You’ve perfectly articulated how hard such innocent questions can hurt.
xo
Kate says
GOOD WORK! I’m so glad you did this- thank you for not-pregnant women everywhere!!
Lucy S says
Good for you! You are seriously some of the nicest people around, and you are wonderful to share what you have. You should post in your comment instruction box: Comments about whether/if/when/why/how we will have a baby will be automatically deleted.
Just my 2 cents!!
YoungHouseLove says
Haha! I’m just going to share this link so it’s squashed the second it pops up :)
xo
s
hemma says
Exactly what I thought! Verbatim. Followed by “I hope there is a way that they can program their computer to automatically refer this link when asked any such pregnancy questions”.
Such grace and poise you have. I so admire you both.
Kelsie says
When I was single the ads on my Facebook sidebar were for dating services… When I got engaged and published that on Facebook the ads changed to wedding planning services… Now that I’ve been married for almost four years the ads are suggesting fertility treatments. I’m nowhere near ready for kids and just the ads on my Facebook annoy the P outta me. I can’t imagine, with your past experience, how being in your position must feel. I love your honesty and that’s why I read daily. You’re amazing and I wish you, John, Clara and Burger the best. No matter what the future holds!
Carina says
Just had to comment on this post, sorry you had to write it Sherry, but very well said. To be honest it was starting to bug me a bit that every other comment was either about your hair or whether you were preggo!
Me & my hubby are in our 30s, have been married 3 years this year (been together 10 in total) so naturally everyone thinks it’s more than fine time we started pro-creating & cannot understand why we are not pregnant yet.
However, I actually have a genetic disorder which has greatly affected my fertility. The amount of questions & probbing I get is grating – “Are you pregnant?”, “Aren’t you trying?”, “Don’t your parents want grandkids soon?”, “Don’t you want kids?”, “Well, if you do then you don’t want to leave it too late… time is ticking on!”
I know peoples hearts are in the right place, but I have always wondered what gave them the right to basically ask whether you are using protection in the bedroom anymore!
MJL says
Although it was never my personality to ask people about their plans for marriage or pregnancy, I don’t think I ever really realized what people who didn’t have children yet might be going through, until my husband and I experienced almost 2 years of unexplained infertility. With IVF, and by the grace of g-d, I am almost 10 wks along now, g-d willing all will continue to be well. Even though 2 yrs of infertility may not be a long time for some, it was very, very painful for us.
People never seem to realize that when someone doesn’t have children, it could very well be because they can’t or are having difficulty/complications. Also, there is nothing wrong with people who don’t want to be parents. There is so much stigma surrounding all of these issues. Unfortunately, many don’t like to speak out about it because they don’t want even more of a barrage of comments and advice from people who aren’t going through it. It’s a Catch 22. The public needs to be educated, but families and couples want some degree of privacy.
Best of luck to you Sherry, and all the women here <3