And now for a bonus Friday afternoon post (aw yeah, I’m a rebel without a cause). Every day on average I get about five readers either asking if I’m pregnant or straight up “calling it” via comments, email, twitter, pinterest, instagram, or carrier pigeon. Which adds up to answering that question – and crushing the dreams of those calling it – around 150 times a month, and a whopping 1,800 times in the last year. The prego-chatter has even hijacked a few comment threads on posts about non-uterus-y topics like room updates and tour infographics. Holy bump-watch, batman! We haven’t seen one of those around here since 2010.
First I’ll get one little detail out of the way: I’m not pregnant. My womb is currently uninhabited.
It’s actually really cool that so many people are excited about the possibility of us expanding this little family of ours. But with the complications of my past (here’s Clara’s birth story for more on that) nothing is guaranteed. My next pregnancy will be high risk and my next child will have a 25% chance of the same life-threatening complication that Clara had. So that definitely contributes to our timing and our general state of mind with regard to any potential bun in the oven. And sometimes all the “you’re prego!” guesses can be a little tough to field day in and day out.
I completely understand that all the excited folks who are inquiring don’t mean any harm (in fact I feel like I should be hugging you while typing this, seriously I love you guys) but in general I think asking someone if they’re pregnant can be a little dicey…
- It can suggest that you think they’ve gained weight (sometimes I have a tummy – thanks burrito! – but it’s not a baby)
- It can unintentionally sadden someone who has had trouble getting pregnant or has miscarried (neither of which I’ve personally encountered up to this point, but I certainly could moving forward)
- It can put them in an uncomfortable position if they are pregnant, but aren’t ready to announce it (which eventually could happen to me for sure)
So this little uterus-centric service announcement is just to solemnly vow to you guys that when the time is right, if we’re blessed with another bouncing bean in the oven, I promise, you will know. Heck, we’ll be so freaking excited that there might be another t-shirt in it for Burger…
So sit tight and know that although you won’t be the first few people we tell (gotta give that privilege to the fam) you’ll definitely hear it straight from our perma-smiling mouths (er, keyboard?) if we reach that safe-to-share milestone. Until then, picture me sipping wine, eating sushi, and soaking up non-prego life as it is right now. With my sweet pooch, my nail-gun-slingin’ hubby, and my little miracle girl (who currently knows the words to nearly every Adam Levine song – seriously, try her).
Thanks so much for understanding, guys. I can’t wait to see what the future holds. And I hope you’ll be sweet to each other in the comments (everyone’s hearts are in the right place about this whole thing). Besides, this means we can all spend more time studying Princess Kate’s royal bump. Where is she hiding that baby? Seriously, can somebody tell me? My belly blocked the view of my feet by 20 weeks (see the second picture in the grid above), so I can only guess that superior lineage = superior baby-hiding prowess.
Natalie says
On behalf of those of us who have wanted to say this exact thing but couldn’t find the words, tact or grace, thank you. Truly, thank you. Best wishes to you and your sweet family.
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks Natalie!
xo
s
Tonya says
You are so sweet. Far nicer than I am which is why I like you so much. Anyway, this is an important lesson for all. Regardless of how much people love someone, it’s rude to speculate on a pregnancy. Period.
Dana says
Sherry – Are you pregnant? Bahahaha j/k
I agree that it’s a sensitive subject/question to ask ppl. I never realized it was until my husband and I started TTC and then had a miscarriage. I wish you the best when you decide to have baby #2!
YoungHouseLove says
I’m so sorry for your loss Dana.
xo
s
Lisa says
I just read Clara’s birth story for the first time. I’m so sorry that you guys went through that.
mp says
Sherry, as an only and mother of an only, I’ve long wanted to tell you that, if for some reason Clara is your and John’s only, don’t let anyone make you feel bad about it. (A lot of people tried during my daughter’s childhood, and people did it to my mother too.) Given her dramatic birth, I can see why the two of you aren’t rushing into a second pregnancy. Clara is a beautiful blessing and any decisions about further family are yours and John’s alone. Love ya.
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks MP!
xo
s
Susann Harding says
DANKESCHÖN!
I have never been pregnant before. But seeing kiddos growing up under my care (I am a Nanny) – I got to see many new additions to the families.
Before I will ever be pregnant I will be an “AUNTI SUE” … THIS week!!! My sister who lives in Germany is giving birth in the next couple of days – due date is TOMORROW :)
Sooo excited :)
YoungHouseLove says
So excited Susann! Congrats!
xo
s
Beth Craig says
I LOVE this post! We are currently expecting our first but had a couple bumps in the road on the way (two unexplained miscarriages). I remember people asking if I was going to have kids soon ( we are fairly-newlywed) and being crushed because we wanted to so bad but were either in the trying stage, the very nervously waiting for 14 weeks stage or we had just had a loss. The worst was when a woman at work asked flat out if I was pregnant and I said no, she said “oh it’s just youngave a bit of a tummy and you didn’t have one before”. I had lost our first baby 2 weeks before at 10 weeks and had put on 3-4 pounds during that time, but I really didn’t want to share! Totally unnecessary comment! Anyways we are 27 weeks now and very excited, but I totally get not needing the extra pressure and wanting to share on your own time !
YoungHouseLove says
Aw I’m so sorry for your loss but so excited about your 27 week old bean Beth!
xo
s
lindsay @ prettylittleparadise says
love this post so much! i have been feeling the same way about the “when are YOU getting engaged/married???” question, which i mostly get from co-workers (im a teacher, and pretty much the last unmarried one) who have nothing else to say or real conversation to make. It drives me crazy and hurts me because I wish I knew when I would get engaged because I am sooo looking forward to that day, but it’s not up to me and i think it is another really private thing that people feel like they can just ask!!
Ashley M says
I don’t usually read through comments on posts because there are always so many! BUT I wanted to see what people were saying and I have to say yes yes yes to all the comments about how graciously you did this and how it is NO ONE’S BUSINESS! sorry you have had to deal with it! I’m sure you can relate to how a celebrity would feel haha! We’ve been in the adoption process for 3 years and I can relate that it gets SOOO old when people ask all the time do you know when he’ll be here or when is he coming etc etc. it just becomes hurtful! So thank you for saying this so people will back the heck off of you guys!!!!!
Marie says
I am amazed by how intrusive some of the comments you get are, no more than the ones about you being pregnant. Perhaps it’s an unfortunate byproduct of your kindness and openness — people feel a little TOO comfortable with you. You would think your loyal readers would know about Clara’s birth story and understand the potential sensitivity with your next pregnancy. I know I get sick of people asking me when we’re having #2 (and my daughter isn’t even 2 yet), and I don’t have legions of loyal fans like the famous Petersiks … just annoying family members and acquaintances! :)
Jess says
amen, $herdog! it constantly amazes me that people ask others (not just you!) if they are pregnant. i just feel like that’s one question that NEVER needs to be asked… regardless of the situation.
and how could you not be happy with a pop-song-savvy bean! :)
Viv says
Thanks for this memorable post, Sherry. Direct and honest yet totally respectful. That’s why we are in for the long haul, you are always true to yourselves.
Angela says
Wow! I just read your awesome story of Clara’s birth! Truly amazing, and I’m glad all are safe and healthy. I totally understand your anxieties about your next pregnancy; at least you know yourself! I had a stillborn baby (little Lucia) my first go at it, and have since had 4 beautiful girlies. But yes, you’re a bundle of nerves and even, dare I say it, unable to bond the same as you did with your first. You want to, but it’s like you can’t, for your own sanity’s sake. It is less than beautiful to instinctively ask, “Is the baby alive” when they are first born, but you can’t help what’s been in your head the whole pregnancy. Nevertheless, when the time comes, and you’re ready (and physically healed!!!!), God will take care of things, even if it’s not exactly text book perfect, and even if your pregnancy is a bumpy ride! Again, love your story and your openness with your readers, your writing style is “I can’t put this down” awesome.
YoungHouseLove says
Angela, I’m so sorry for your loss. And so happy to hear of the four beautiful girls you’ve gone on to have. Such an encouraging thing to hear.
xo
s
Heidi says
Great post! Excellent job classy lady!
Even before my husband and I decided to try to start a family I would get incredibly annoyed by the “No kids yet? Why not?” or the “When?” question. I feel that there are MANY different personal and private reasons that people have for their decisions or for where they are at with the whole thing – and if they want to discuss it, then they will. The social pressure is surrounding this topic is absolutly insane to me. Not to get too off topic but I also feel this way about the “Are you nursing?” question… I find it odd, rude, and offensive that perfect strangers who may stop to say how cute your baby is feel the need to ask this question. It is such a small but loaded (and personal!)question that still brings up a huge amount of mommy guilt for me. I have to fight back tears every time someone asks me that question. No matter the persons response to my attempted casual and oversimplified “No it didn’t work out for us” response I still feel a huge amount of judgement.
Again – awesome post Sherry!
Bonnie says
Bravo!! My husband and I got married a year and a half ago and the “When are you having a baby?” question is now almost a daily battle. I’ve been asked “when are you due” about 3 times now and it’s so humiliating since there is no bun in my oven and we have no immediate plans for any. Once I was asked by the check-out girl at the liquor store as I was buying my favorite bottle of wine. Awkward!
YoungHouseLove says
Yeesh! Really?!
xo
s
Amy says
It’s too bad that some people have no filter. You’re awesome for handling this as nicely as you are! And I agree with the comments that say you should never asking someone if they’re pregnant unless 1) you know for sure or 2) they are literally walking into the hospital to have that baby!
Shannon says
Love it! What is meant to be will be. Until then enjoy your awesome little family as it is!
Reva says
Well done and thank you so much for your PSA. There are a lot of us in similar boats and you are speaking up for all of us!
Natalie says
Wonderful post. I’m proud of you guys for putting this out there. Love you!
grace Nielsen says
I am so sorry if I, or any of your fans, have made you feel badly about this issue. It is indeed NONE of our business. You’ve handled this with your trademark class and grace, which is why everybody loves you in the first place. Hopefully, we’ll all shut up about this now – and revel in the YHL journey – wherever it takes you! <3
YoungHouseLove says
Aw Grace, don’t worry about it! You’re so sweet.
xo
s
anna see says
What a classy and sweet way of addressing this issue. I have thought many times that it might sting to read those comments, depending on where you and John are on this journey, and I’m so glad you just got it out there today. B/C of a close family member’s issues w/ miscarriages and infertility, I vowed about 15 years ago not to say a word about someone being pregnant unless a) They have told me they are pregnant, or b) I see a head crowning.
Sure, I may look disinterested sometimes by not saying a word about an “obvious” pregnancy, but there is so much heartache and baggage that could be going on in the background that I might not know about.
WE LOVE YOU GUYS! Thank for sharing your home and your lives w/ us!
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks Anna See. You are always so sweet. And I want you to know that you and your family are a huge inspiration to me. Lots of love to you!
xo
s
Kristy @ whitebrickwall.com says
Great post Sherry! I did a similar thing on mine recently. We struggled with infertility and having IVF and I was very open about it, yet people still seemed to ask “aren’t you pregnant yet?”. Questions like that can destroy a person!
But what my husband and I really struggled with was when we did finally fall pregnant (and it was a miraculous natural one!) – people would tell us “See I told you if you just relaxed and stopped thinking about it – you’d get pregnant!” – those comments (whilst well-intended) cut us to the core!
If anyone has said that sort of thing, and not realised the pain it can cause please read my post to better support and understand whats going on inside your fertility challenged family or friends heads.
http://www.whitebrickwall.com/2013/02/best-souvenir-ever.html
YoungHouseLove says
Such a good reminder Kristy!
xo
s
Tiffany says
Well said.
Not sure what it is about pregnancy that people feel they can say whatever they want. For the last 3 months I’ve been asked, “How many days til you pop?”! When I tell them 3.5 months it’s usually followed by, “Are you sure you’re not having twins??”. Hah, yes I’m sure. Thanks strangers for pointing out how massive I am…!
Amy @ This DIY Life says
Thank you!!!!! We started our trying to conceive journey almost eight years ago. We’ve been married 10+ years, we both have 6 years of experience at being 29 (we’re 35), we have a plethora of nieces and nephews, yada, yada, yada. We still get that question that regardless of how it’s phrased makes us feel like failures. About two years into our infertility I started being quite frank with people. My theory: If people are going to ask an incredibly insensitive question, they should know how bad that question made me feel and maybe I can save the next person who would feel bad because they asked the same question. So from this IF sufferer/survivor, THANK YOU!!!!
Karen says
Thank you for posting this. I had trouble getting pregnant and all of my family and close friends know that. We are now blessed to have the most wonderful 10 month old and people have been asking us about #2 for months. They know that any baby we have requires medical intervention but still ask. Some people just don’t understand why it’s so wrong to ask and I’m glad you said something. I hope the comments subside now.
megan says
you go girl…you do you!!
India says
Looove that you wrote this post Sherry. Good for you!
Alison says
I have been wondering about all the comments and questions that I have seen on Facebook and the blog. I never ask anyone if they are pregnant, even when they look like they are having twins. When my daughter was born I had to have a hysterectomy to save my life and for a long time afterwards, talking about babies was rough. I don’t think you could have said this in a more respectful way. Well done.
Mary says
So well said, Sherry. Thank you for this post.
I remember reading Clara’s birth story and being so moved by it…and being concerned for all of you that you had to go through that. Whatever the future holds for you and your fam, you’re already truly blessed.
stacy says
Well said! Thank you for sharing!
Tiffinie says
After 14 years of marriage I can’t even count how many times we’ve been asked about kids! It’s not like I want to discuss fertility issues with every Tom, Dick, and Harry. I think for the most part people now think we don’t want kids and are crazy with the way we treat our two hounds like our boys. One day we’ll shock them all when a baby joins our family one way or another. :)
Kate says
I rarely comment, but I just had to add to the chorus of those praising your grace in handling the crazy, crazy pregnancy watch comments both here and on instagram. Beautifully said.
Another site I love, http://www.apracticalwedding.com (which you should check out because it’s not just about weddings), had a discussion about this and one of my favorite comebacks to the “are you pregnant?” question was basically “My sex life is just fine. And yours?” I haven’t had the courage to try it out yet, but it’s there, lurking in my brain, making me feel a little better.
Have a great weekend and a virtual high five for this post!
YoungHouseLove says
Haha, I haven’t heard that one! I think I’d have a hard time choking it out without giggling like a schoolgirl. Haha!
xo
s
Kat says
I agree with everything you said and can relate. In the words of Dave Barry, “You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.” So true, so very true.
Lindsey says
This is the nicest way to say stfu and myob I’ve ever heard. As others have said, you handle this with such grace. I pray you will have a happy and healthy pregnancy/baby if and when you guys are ready.
heather says
(giving you a standing ovation)
I waited 11 years before I had my 1st and got so sick of people asking us if/when we were going go have kids. When people would ask,the rebel in me wanted to never have kids just to “show them”. (We told them we didn’t want kids even though we did, but just wasn’t sure when). When I was pregnant and I told everyone, some people would ask us if we had a hard time conceiving or if we had miscarriages (We didn’t have a hard time, yet I did have a miscarriage). Then later in the pregnancy there was talk about how dilated my cervix was.
I agree with the people that say they don’t ask about someone’s pregnancy unless they bring it up…you just never know.
Well done….I officially heart you guys!
Kate says
Good for you! Even though you guys put a lot of your life online, your decision to have another kiddo is totally up to you and is not anyone else’s business. And as someone more wise than I once said, ‘It’s impolite to ask someone if they’re pregnant until they’re crowning.’ Best of luck with whatever you do.
Ranelle says
I hear ya sister. I’ve dealt with the fertility issues and miscarriage side of things, but the one that surprises me is actually the other side. My husband and I have decided that our family is complete with our one son, and it is this side that is constantly questioned. “When are you guys planning on number 2?” “Oh, we are actually only going to have one.” “What?!?” Yeah, fun…I can’t imagine having to deal with people constantly asking about your pregnancy status via the web. You’ve handled so with much grace!
Melanie says
As the aunt of a sweet baby who passed away last July at 3 months of age (mitochondrial disease, a genetic disorder), thank you. My brother and his wife want to have a family like all their friends but having a child without the disease is a complicated process.
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Melanie, I’m so sorry for you and your family. Sending lots of love your way.
xo
s
Barbara says
Okay, I have to throw in one more thing. If you DO get a pal for ol’ Burger, it’s name must be Fries. Burgers and Tots sounds to British!!!
YoungHouseLove says
I’m in love with Milkshake the Bulldog. Haha!
xo
s
Barbara says
too!! (it’s Friday and late…)
Amanda says
I want to repost this and say “ditto” for myself. I haven’t been very…tactful when people ask me if I am pregnant/make jokes/hint/etc. It can be very difficult to deal with. I feel like I should have a margarita glass permanently attached to my hand. People mean well, they just don’t think. I had an awkward situation with a co-worker asking me when my husband and I were going to start trying…I decided to be honest and talk about fertility issues and ended up with an earful of unwanted advice. Some things are just not our business!
Love reading your blog! :)
Carly S says
I’m with you on this, Sherry.
My boy and I have been living together for 2 1/2 years and it makes me mad, sad, crazy, hurt, annoyed and every other emotion you can think of every time someone asks me a) “Why hasn’t he proposed to you yet?” or b) “When are you guys going to have kids?”
I think some people are asking because they care about us and would love to see us enter a new chapter, but I don’t think they realize that it sets off so many thoughts and emotions for me.
In the most uncreepy way possible, I really love reading your blog and you and John are such lovely people. I really appreciate your honesty in every post you write, especially this one.
Cheryl says
Well put, Sherdog! I wish more people realized they are prying into seriously personal territory. And yet everyone has an opinion from the supermarket checkout lady to the mailman. We decided on one baby and you’d think we were committing a crime deciding on the size family that suits us. I hear it all the time and it is really starting to bug me.
You’ll change your mind! she needs a sibling!
Uh, what?
Sheesh. You have no kids and you’re accused of being selfish, you have one kid and you’re still selfish, you have three kids and everyone says “whoa, when’s the vasectomy.”
Grrrr.
Sam says
Thank you from a recurrent loss, infertile girl.
It’s such a loaded subject, and one that can be heartbreaking.
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks Sam, I’m so sorry for your loss.
xo
s
Arli says
You have to be one of the most gracious people ever. I would not have been able to hold myself back from telling the prego police what I really think of them. (Guess it’s good I don’t have a blog!)
Kate says
I rarely comment, but I just had to add to the chorus of those praising your grace in handling the crazy, crazy pregnancy watch comments both here and on instagram. Beautifully said.
Another site I love, http://www.apracticalwedding.com (which you should check out because it’s not just about weddings), had a discussion about this and one of my favorite comebacks to the “are you pregnant?” question was basically “My sex life is just fine. And yours?” I haven’t had the courage to try it out yet, but it’s there, lurking in my brain, making me feel a little better.
Have a great weekend and a virtual high five for this post! You guys rock
K says
I am also one of your stalkers who has never commented on your posts. I love your blog, you are incredibly talented. I have to say though, this post takes the cake. Thank you SO MUCH for posting this. I’m going to echo the other comments (and I read every one) that you handled this in a very classy way. We’ve been tying for a baby for two years and we’ve found that I have 3 fertility hurtles, some of them quite big ones, and my husband has his own fertility obstacles. We’re still sorting it out and figuring out what our options are. Needless to say, getting asked by friends cradling their beautiful babies when we’re finally going to join the club is quite devastating. I haven’t handled it as classy as you have…you are an inspiration. For months I’ve considered writing something to educate people but knowing myself, I would’ve been too angry and mean, so I haven’t. Thank you for being braver and kinder then me! I’m sharing and pinning your post, I hope it will help open people’s eyes and to show a little more tact when it comes to this subject. Bless you!
Liz says
I’m a regular reader, but this is the first comment I’ve ever left… Just have to say, good for you! This is an awesome post & I give you so much credit for tackling this topic head-on in such a sweet & thoughtful way!
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks Liz!
xo
s
Daniella says
I’m really happy you guys addressed
This issue.. It was getting a little crazy on here and instragram with all the preggo comments.
On a different note you know you have reached a new level of celebrity when you guys have to do post like this and your book ends up on a pottery barn ad!
rachel says
Very dignified post. I think, however wrong it may be, people felt free to ask since you both are frequent self-confessed “over sharers.” When someone’s life is broadcast over blogs and social media readers feel a personal connection that lends them to ask you questions they’d ask a dear friend. Comes with the territor I suppose. You guys wrote a great post, well handled!