And now for a bonus Friday afternoon post (aw yeah, I’m a rebel without a cause). Every day on average I get about five readers either asking if I’m pregnant or straight up “calling it” via comments, email, twitter, pinterest, instagram, or carrier pigeon. Which adds up to answering that question – and crushing the dreams of those calling it – around 150 times a month, and a whopping 1,800 times in the last year. The prego-chatter has even hijacked a few comment threads on posts about non-uterus-y topics like room updates and tour infographics. Holy bump-watch, batman! We haven’t seen one of those around here since 2010.
First I’ll get one little detail out of the way: I’m not pregnant. My womb is currently uninhabited.
It’s actually really cool that so many people are excited about the possibility of us expanding this little family of ours. But with the complications of my past (here’s Clara’s birth story for more on that) nothing is guaranteed. My next pregnancy will be high risk and my next child will have a 25% chance of the same life-threatening complication that Clara had. So that definitely contributes to our timing and our general state of mind with regard to any potential bun in the oven. And sometimes all the “you’re prego!” guesses can be a little tough to field day in and day out.
I completely understand that all the excited folks who are inquiring don’t mean any harm (in fact I feel like I should be hugging you while typing this, seriously I love you guys) but in general I think asking someone if they’re pregnant can be a little dicey…
- It can suggest that you think they’ve gained weight (sometimes I have a tummy – thanks burrito! – but it’s not a baby)
- It can unintentionally sadden someone who has had trouble getting pregnant or has miscarried (neither of which I’ve personally encountered up to this point, but I certainly could moving forward)
- It can put them in an uncomfortable position if they are pregnant, but aren’t ready to announce it (which eventually could happen to me for sure)
So this little uterus-centric service announcement is just to solemnly vow to you guys that when the time is right, if we’re blessed with another bouncing bean in the oven, I promise, you will know. Heck, we’ll be so freaking excited that there might be another t-shirt in it for Burger…
So sit tight and know that although you won’t be the first few people we tell (gotta give that privilege to the fam) you’ll definitely hear it straight from our perma-smiling mouths (er, keyboard?) if we reach that safe-to-share milestone. Until then, picture me sipping wine, eating sushi, and soaking up non-prego life as it is right now. With my sweet pooch, my nail-gun-slingin’ hubby, and my little miracle girl (who currently knows the words to nearly every Adam Levine song – seriously, try her).
Thanks so much for understanding, guys. I can’t wait to see what the future holds. And I hope you’ll be sweet to each other in the comments (everyone’s hearts are in the right place about this whole thing). Besides, this means we can all spend more time studying Princess Kate’s royal bump. Where is she hiding that baby? Seriously, can somebody tell me? My belly blocked the view of my feet by 20 weeks (see the second picture in the grid above), so I can only guess that superior lineage = superior baby-hiding prowess.
Renee says
Wait…why would Burger need a new shirt? Has he put on weight?? Is Burger pregnant?! :)
YoungHouseLove says
Hahahahahahah! He has gained almost a pound since last year…
xo
s
Gwen says
Thank you for posting this. And I’m sorry that you have to post it at all – people really need to not worry about the business of other people.
It took us awhile to get pregnant with my son (thankfully didn’t have to have fertility treatments) and had a successful pregnancy. However, I suffered a miscarriage this past January with Baby #2 and it has been really hard. Especially since my son is getting to be 3 and the questions of why we haven’t had another are really starting now.
It is so true that you never know what another person is going through; and you should never assume that getting pregnant or being pregnant is easy. Because for a lot of people it’s not.
Good luck when/if you do decide to expand your family:)
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Gwen, I’m so sorry for your loss.
xo
s
Natalia says
Good for you Sherry!!! This is one of my favorite that you’ve written about you guys’ personal lives/family life/dealing with being a blogger /etc. Well Done and thank you for writing on behalf of many women all over the world!
Keisha says
Well said. And I think you should get another doggie and name it “Tots”, short for Tater Tot, so you can say “This is Burger and Tots” :)
YoungHouseLove says
Hahah!
xo
s
Maureen says
I second this.
Melissa says
While I don’t think it is rude to ask someone if they are pregnant…(or to ask someone if they are having twins… BIG pregnant bellies are the cutest and people usually mean well!) especially when it is a blogger whose blog you visit and read literally almost EVERY day…it must be exhausting to have to field those questions from people especially since you have such a HUGE number of readers who are looking forward to hearing about exciting milestones in your life.
Good for you for posting this with such grace! I admire the way you guys have an open `relationship` with your readers and sometimes boundaries just need to be set :)
Emily says
As a newlywed (1.5 years), thank you for this post! My husband and I have experienced our own complications recently that we chose to keep private from friends, so every time someone asks when we’ll start having kids, it’s like a little knife in my heart!
I don’t understand why on earth this is ever considered ok. I can’t imagine dealing with it on such a large scale. Good for you….Beautifully said. You are such a class act.
I am now going to copy/paste this to people when they ask. I hope they’ll get the hint :)
Diane says
Good for you! It’s no ones business but yours. You said it so graciously too :)
Kim says
I have no idea how you handle getting this question on a regular basis, Sherry! I’d wig out if I were in your shoes. It’s sweet that people care, but it can definitely come off wrong sometimes, or you can misinterpret them if you happen to be feeling insecure on any given day. Kudos for handling it so well.
There’s no way your life decisions can please everybody. If you and John happened to be blessed with tons of kids, there would always be a faction of people who would ask snidely if you’re trying to start a baseball team. Life is a zero-sum game, so play by your own rules :)
Jenn says
Sherry, I think you’re wonderful and have written a really gracious and kind post about a very touchy subject.
I’m 27 and have been married for 3 years (and with my husband for 8) so people seem to have not only unfair expectation of when we “should” have kids but also seem to think it’s a subject that should be openly discussed. I always think about your second bullet point – what if we were trying and couldn’t get pregnant and each time someone asked was like dagger? Thankfully, that’s not the case but I don’t think people realize that it’s one of the most important and personal decisions a person makes and it’s certainly not up for public discussion.
Happiness and health your your whole family! :)
Jessie says
Well done, Mrs. Petersik ;)
You are so right, sometimes it is a very touchy subject. We can never really know what experiences the person we are asking has been going through.
We should respect that and accept that they will share whenever THEY feel comfortable. It is their prerogative.
Joan says
Okay this post seals the deal – they’re pregnant again!
(Just Kidding – oh boy do I know how that can get old!)
Mellissa says
I’m admitting right here and now that I’ve been a YHL fanatic for some time. My husband has grown weary of such phrases as “well on Young House Love they…(insert an example of some cool home-related project). You two are my DIY gurus.
But, this has got to be my hands-down favorite post. I’m sure it was a little nerve-wracking to write (it’s never easy to tell people how their words make you feel). Massive kudos to you for doing it! We (women and men) all deserve privacy when it comes to our bodies and something as intimate and personal as growing a family. Congratulations for acting on such a basic human need! I’m inspired.
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks so much Mellissa! You’re so sweet!
xo
s
Emiles says
Well done. You handled this more than gracefully. My mom had to have a similar heart to heart with my brother about barraging me in the same way. He. would. not. give. it. UP! And while we’re not even trying, I appreciated it. Especially knowing several of our friends ARE trying and struggling. I can’t even imagine the pain of it if we were. I raise my full wine glass to you! :)
Katie N. says
AMEN! That is all.
Cara says
I am tempted to post this on my Facebook page with the statement “Ditto. And please don’t offer advice either.” I know they come from a place of love, but they aren’t walking in my shoes. Even if they HAVE walked a similar path before – this one’s mine.
Lisa says
I am sorry you had to post this, Sherry. As a reader with no interest in your uterus (I mean, I’ll be excited if you guys announce someday, but I don’t think about it on a regular basis!), it gets annoying even for ME to read the constant pregnancy speculation. You’ve handled it really well.
I will NEVER understand why people think it’s OK to make comments like that. It’s personal, and straight up rude to ask. ESPECIALLY a stranger. Good Lord.
Have a nice weekend, guys.
Cori says
I, too, am commenting for the first time just to say that I’ve never read a more perfect way to communicate feelings on this subject. Great job!!!!
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks Cori!
xo
s
BriannaNJH says
I’ve been thinking about how uncomfortable you must be with the constant bump watching going on. You handled this wonderfully. We’ll all be so happy for you when the time comes, but until then, I hope you’re enjoying this time.
For what it’s worth– I’m in the same boat– all my future pregnancies will be high-risk (especially early on), I had a complicated delivery resulting in a c-section with my son, and under doctor’s orders to wait 2 years before trying for another kiddo. I’ve been dreading answering questions when my son is 2. But, I’ll be taking some pointers from this post. You really handled this well.
Summer says
I was just reading some of the comments and I saw your response about getting another dog – I agree that tater tot would be a GREAT dog’s name! :)
YoungHouseLove says
Haha!
xo
s
Ellen says
Oh Sherry. You are my favorite celebrity. Truly.
Briel K. says
Well handled as usual Sherry (and John)! I don’t know how you always handle these types of things so graciously. If it were me I would have told people to mind their own business ages ago and not in such a nice way. haha
Stacey says
Oh honey. I feel for you…
I desperately WANT to be pregnant, the husband and I are so ready for a baby. All are ducks are lined up. Everything is perfect but no baby.
For years, I have constantly been asked when I’m going to have a baby. It cuts my heart open every time when the only response I have is “oh well, when the time is right we will!” to try and pass off that you know, maybe it hasn’t occurred to us to add in a baby. When really… now is the right time… but I can’t come out and say “oh heyyyyy my body is just broken” without being a sobbing mess. Very close friends and immediate family know, but it’s the great aunts and co-workers that I just can’t get into detail with.
It’s nice that my family and friends (and I’m sure your family and friends and readers!) are all excited for the potential of a new baby but hopefully all people will understand that this is just such a sensitive area and until you are at the baby shower, or have been told straight out just say nothing!
YoungHouseLove says
Aw Stacey, I hope the right time comes and you’re full of joy (and a baby, haha!). Lots of love!
xo
s
Lauren says
Amen, Sherry! I am really glad that you posted this. Often, when I am reading YHL comments, I am surprised by how many people inquire about your pregnancy status. Even though I was blessed with a complication-free first pregnancy with my now almost 2 year old, I still get really uneasy and anxious when people ask “So, when is number 2 coming?”. To me, the decision to get pregnant/if and how to space out your children is so personal. There is enough pressure and thought surrounding all of it and fielding outside questions can just make it that much worse. Even if I might not be worried about complications, nobody can ever know what other things I might be grappling with in my own life–career, stress, family situations, etc.–that could be factoring in to the whole to pro-create or not pro-create picture! Thank you for being so candid and honest with this post. I don’t know you, but I’m glad for and proud of you for addressing this with your readers.
Carolyn says
First time commenting but just have to–so happy you wrote this post and addressed this topic. I’ve been married for 2.5 years and get asked this question a lot and it’s such a personal topic, filled with so much emotion. You have handled the constant questioning with such grace but it was becoming ridiculous. People need to respect the boundaries of others. And why focus on the future when you have your Clara and Burger to enjoy today :).
Sending you and other women being asked this question a big virtual hug,
Carolyn
Maureen says
I heard a comedian once say, “Unless you see a head crowning, you may NOT ask a woman if she is pregnant!” Seriously, the dude was on to something.
Likewise, “are you gonna have kids?” is potentially awkward for someone you barely know (maybe they’ve tried/miscarried/just don’t want to). I’ve taken to saying “I’m a lot older than you think.”
Beth says
This post is awesome. You’ll probably not see my comment, but I just wanted to say that.
My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years. I just turned 31. We get harrassed non stop from EVERYONE WE KNOW about when the baby is coming. I just want to tell them to chill.
bethany says
First time commenter to tell you THANK you for this post!! I. Must admit I’ve been on the look out for your announcement, but I would never ask. Being an infertile myself this question is very painful so I do appreciate you acknowledging that. Scored some big points in my book! Love you guys :)
YoungHouseLove says
Aw, I love you right back Bethany!
xo
s
Kristina A says
You certainly addressed this issue very graciously! I have sometimes cringed at the preggo questions and guesses on your behalf.
Caitlin Walker says
Yeah! Let us all mind our own (and Kate Middleton’s) uteruses … uteri? :)
Christi says
Good for you, but I hope you know that it never crosses my mind when I read your blog to wonder about the State of Your Uterus (btw, best name for a post ever!)… We have been together for almost 14 years and have no kids, but I swear everyone in our lives questions me all of the time. People’s reproduction is sooooo incredibly personal that I do not even answer them anymore. Also, do you ask people how much they weigh? Their credit score? How often they have sex? Seriously, next time someone asked you, just ask them how their morning poop was! :)
Coren says
As always, your post is full of grace and humor. Good for you!! Wishing you only the best as you enjoy that wine :) xo
Lynn @ Our Useful Hands says
:o) (sniffle). That is all…
My best, Lynn
Kitty says
I am saddened and frustrated that the need to write this post has come about.
For a long time I have found the amount of comments asking you if you were pregnant intrusive and uncomfortable. They always came from a good place, but having put Clara’s birth story out there, I’d hoped people would have, bitten their tongues about it, I guess.
I have read this blog for many years, before Clara (BC! Cool! ;-) ) and have always appreciated the time you take to interact with your readers and all that you do give and share.
From one woman who gets asked if she’s pregnant a lot (nope, just fat in my case!) to another I know it can affect you after a while.
When the time is right, I wish you a safe and positive pregnancy and sincerely hope that it will be free of the complications you experienced with Clara.
Best wishes.
Amy S. says
Wow, it’s great to see all these comments from all the polite readers who agree. Questions/speculations about dating, getting married, having babies, being done having babies just start to sound like a bunch of clucking hens. I agree with others, I don’t think I would have handled this as graciously as you have.
My husband and I made a pact that we would never speculate about the existence or development of someone’s relationship(it can be damaging and it gets old so fast!). I have applied the same idea to pregnancy. The truth when people tell it themselves is always more fun and surprising than trying to be a step ahead with guesses. Enjoying people’s lives as they are now in the moment is a gift!
Patti says
Very thoughtful and diplomatic post, well said.
Julie says
Agree on Kate hiding the baby in her long torso. I am long wasted
and short legged. When I was carrying my twins I kept waiting for
the trouble breathing and such, but it never came. I was even taking
deep breaths the last days of my pregnancy that surprised my doctor.
Good for you on taking a stand. It was so gracious. I hope that when the
time is right you have an amazing pregnancy and safe delivery.
Jen@The Decor Scene says
Good for you Sherry. Very well put. We have been married for 6 yrs and when someone else in the family got pregnant, someone would ask us “so when are you guys going to have some kids”? Hmmmmmm, when we are ready. And it took us 2 yrs to get pregnant, so there were a lot of tears along the way when we would find out that someone else was having yet another baby. So I completely understand. HUGS!!!
Maureen says
I would never in a million years bug anyone about this. I am 34, married to my 39 year old husband for almost 10 years (together for 15), and he has a child from a previous relationship. He is now 17.
When I was younger, I thought for sure I wanted a baby. no doubt about it. But once I was put in the role of being a mother to my stepson (who I have known since he is 2), I really didn’t have that urge anymore. The unending barrage of people asking “why don’t I want a child of my own” is enough to make me postal. They assume I am selfish, lazy, and that I am not up to the task of parenting. I kindly remind them that I have been a mom for 15 years, since my stepson’s mom isn’t really in the picture, and my husband always had him full time. It’s exhausting to constantly have to defend myself about why I don’t feel the need to get pregnant and have another child. People act like something is wrong with me. And I am sure this will sound selfish, but when you have a child that is 17, and will be graduating high school, you rejoice that the school years are over ( I will anyway, and look forward to having some more free time. My husband and I never had that “alone” time as a couple. We started with a child! I am looking forward to having a semi-empty nest when our son leaves for the Navy. I say semi, because of course he will be home sometimes! It’s a great feeling to be “done” with this part of child rearing. :)
Elle says
Well written and kindly put, Sherry. You’ve just given women the internet over a marvelous example of how to handle a tremendously sensitive subject. Props for being brave and sweetly putting into words what so many would like to say but aren’t sure how to do so without reopening wounds (or creating some)!
Erin says
This post is so emblematic of why you guys have had such success. You routinely open your homes and hearts to millions, and handle the less-than pleasant repercussions with such grace and style. Bravo.
Jenny C says
This is a great post and I couldn’t agree with you more. I just wish I could have as much grace as you Sherry! Nothing like a gentle loved-filled reminder :)
JenB says
So eloquently put, Sherry. I’ve been amazed at how many times you are asked that question. I truly admire your tact! I only gained 9 lbs with my first and 13 lbs with my 2nd and I was asked MANY times, “Are you SURE there aren’t twins in there??” Seriously? It’s just not funny! Anyway, well done:)
Elizabeth says
I have wanted to write this post for you for months. People are so ridiculous. It’s no ones business and if I am sick of people asking you, I can only imagine how you feel. :)
Kirsten says
Very well said. As someone who is fertility challenged, people have no idea how hurtful their comments and questions can be. :) But, I was able to eat sushi for lunch.
AMK says
WOOT WOOT! Way to go John & Sherry! Must be tough to be asked ALL the time. I had a friend that told her family and friends that for every person that asks she is adding a year before they start trying. Everyone clammed up quickly! :)
Even though y’all take the question graciously, I totally understand the need to have a little privacy about this:) I mean, its nice hearing about your lives through the blog, your book, and YHLife, but you shouldn’t have to give a “play by play”. :) Good for y’all, and you know we are all here and excited for your family whenever the time is right. :)
Have a wonderful weekend sipping that wine! ;)
-AMK
Karly says
Good for you Sherry. My husband and I have been married for just over a year, and get a lot of questions about when we are starting a family. Thankfully for us my genuine answer is that we don’t have plans to anytime soon, but I always think how hard it would be for people that are secretly trying/having miscarriages/suffering from other obstacles. There’s also a weird moment where when someone asks and I think “wait…..did you just ask if we’re having sex?!” :)
Karen Q. says
Good for you Sher-dog- keep it real!
KatieZ says
Every time I see you make an “I’m not pregnant” announcement I get worried about how it will work for you if one of the three scenarios you outline plays out. Bravo! On your effort to address it, its honesty like this that makes me addicted to your blog!
Coriebing says
Yeah… I get really annoyed when people ask you that. I said something ONCE because you said something ‘fishy’ or the post title was misleading (or I got too excited) or something – certainly not because you looked it! – but I felt AWFUL after I submitted it. Not my business! It’s probably not even my business what your bedroom and nursery look like, though I love that you share!!
Anyway, hopefully this will shush people up for a little while! ;) Enjoy being a family of three!
stefanie says
Such a wonderful post. If I gain weight, it all goes straight to the belly. I can’t tell you how many women (and it is always women) who walk up to me and say “Oh my gosh, is that a baby bump? Are you pregnant?” No. I’m just overweight. Thanks for asking. I even had one woman ask me if I was pregnant after she had seen me drink multiple cocktails at a wedding! That dress was immediately donated to Goodwill…