And now for a bonus Friday afternoon post (aw yeah, I’m a rebel without a cause). Every day on average I get about five readers either asking if I’m pregnant or straight up “calling it” via comments, email, twitter, pinterest, instagram, or carrier pigeon. Which adds up to answering that question – and crushing the dreams of those calling it – around 150 times a month, and a whopping 1,800 times in the last year. The prego-chatter has even hijacked a few comment threads on posts about non-uterus-y topics like room updates and tour infographics. Holy bump-watch, batman! We haven’t seen one of those around here since 2010.
First I’ll get one little detail out of the way: I’m not pregnant. My womb is currently uninhabited.
It’s actually really cool that so many people are excited about the possibility of us expanding this little family of ours. But with the complications of my past (here’s Clara’s birth story for more on that) nothing is guaranteed. My next pregnancy will be high risk and my next child will have a 25% chance of the same life-threatening complication that Clara had. So that definitely contributes to our timing and our general state of mind with regard to any potential bun in the oven. And sometimes all the “you’re prego!” guesses can be a little tough to field day in and day out.
I completely understand that all the excited folks who are inquiring don’t mean any harm (in fact I feel like I should be hugging you while typing this, seriously I love you guys) but in general I think asking someone if they’re pregnant can be a little dicey…
- It can suggest that you think they’ve gained weight (sometimes I have a tummy – thanks burrito! – but it’s not a baby)
- It can unintentionally sadden someone who has had trouble getting pregnant or has miscarried (neither of which I’ve personally encountered up to this point, but I certainly could moving forward)
- It can put them in an uncomfortable position if they are pregnant, but aren’t ready to announce it (which eventually could happen to me for sure)
So this little uterus-centric service announcement is just to solemnly vow to you guys that when the time is right, if we’re blessed with another bouncing bean in the oven, I promise, you will know. Heck, we’ll be so freaking excited that there might be another t-shirt in it for Burger…
So sit tight and know that although you won’t be the first few people we tell (gotta give that privilege to the fam) you’ll definitely hear it straight from our perma-smiling mouths (er, keyboard?) if we reach that safe-to-share milestone. Until then, picture me sipping wine, eating sushi, and soaking up non-prego life as it is right now. With my sweet pooch, my nail-gun-slingin’ hubby, and my little miracle girl (who currently knows the words to nearly every Adam Levine song – seriously, try her).
Thanks so much for understanding, guys. I can’t wait to see what the future holds. And I hope you’ll be sweet to each other in the comments (everyone’s hearts are in the right place about this whole thing). Besides, this means we can all spend more time studying Princess Kate’s royal bump. Where is she hiding that baby? Seriously, can somebody tell me? My belly blocked the view of my feet by 20 weeks (see the second picture in the grid above), so I can only guess that superior lineage = superior baby-hiding prowess.
mary says
Two things. First, you go girl. That was by far the most polite, nicest way ever to ask for a little space. Major props to you. Second, like my website implies, I’m a super tall chick. 6’1″ to be exact. I had lots of room for baby #1 to hide in my long torso. I was over 6 months along before my first “popped”. My 2nd? that’s another story. Anyway, love your blog and your way of being so approachable and down to earth. Just wish you didn’t have to live everything so publicly sometimes. It’s not always fun being famous, huh?
Alice says
My mother taught me that asking personal questions about someone’s age, marital status, financial status, etc. is nosey and rude. Thanks, Mom!
Loved your post and really enjoyed seeing Burger in his Big Brother t-shirt!
Kate Whitmore says
From a girl who falls into the second bullet point and wants to keep her life mostly private, I just want to say thanks for this. :)
YoungHouseLove says
Of course Kate, lots of love!
xo
s
Samantha says
I hate that you have been asked so much that you had to write this! We just had a miscarriage and it’s like a punch in the gut when people ask me when we’re having another child. Hope everyone can give you guys some space after this post!
YoungHouseLove says
So sorry for your loss Samantha.
xo
s
Tania @ Run To Radiance says
I couldn’t have said it better. Most awkward question to get (continually!!!). Totally feel you. :)
Jamie says
You answered this with such grace Sherry. Frankly, it’s nobody’s business, and knowing Clara’s birth story, I’m shocked that so many people are asking! I’m currently pregnant with my first child, but I remember all too well the awkward questions, the pressuring from certain family members and friends. For three years, I wanted nothing more than to get pregnant, but the timing wasn’t right. In fact, the day before we announced, someone asked my sister when we were going to give my parents grandchildren! It’s never okay to ask.
Katie says
Thank you so much for the post! And so nicely worded!!
I got married in October (and then consequently felt a lot of relief after wedding & honeymoon planning, ate my feelings and then put on a rapid 5-10 lbs) and the pregnancy questions have. not. stopped. To some people I just reply: “Nope, I just got fat.”
Oddly enough, my mom, who was very vocal about having some grand kiddos completely stopped, because she became so nervous that it would actually happen now. :)
Kelly says
I always get annoyed on your behalf when people are speculating about your family plans. It’s none of their business! This entry, though, was very gracious and polite. You’re both a class act.
Katie says
It’s definitely not necessary for you to publicly post a vacant sign on your uterus. Your silence about the topic does that well enough, because if you were pregnant *and* ready to share the news, you would!
I don’t want you to ever have to feel like you have to post like this again on YHL. Ignore the Nosy Nellies completely, or reply privately with a simple, “Why would you ask such a personal question to someone you don’t know?”.
YoungHouseLove says
This just makes it nice and easy because I can link to this post (or other readers can) instead of having to respond all the time or watch folks get into long comment debates which can hijack other posts. It’s my bloggy way of nipping it in the bud nicely, which is always my aim. This is our happy place, so we like to keep the peace. :)
xo
s
Michele Ament says
Girl, I couldn’t agree with you more! We struggled to get pregnant for a year and a half and fielding all of the questions (although well meaning) led to many night of tears. I have learned never to ask, people will share when they are ready. By the way, we are down to 3 weeks left with our baby BOY! (Clara’s only wrong prediction to date!)
YoungHouseLove says
Haha, it’s true! Your little boy stumped Clara-the-bump-predictor! I can’t believe you only have three weeks left Michele!
xo
s
Charity says
Awesome post! You guys deserve your privacy on the matter and when/if you decide to expand your family. When you do know we will all be excited for you! Until then I hope people slow down on the baby talk for you guys.
Adrien says
Bravo, Sherry. I always thought it was creepy and incredibly inappropriate for readers to ask you that. Seriously, mind your beeswax, creepers.
jaclyn says
This is my FAVORITE POST EVER!
I’ve been a huge fan of YHL forever (I think I stumbled on the site after your 4th or 5th post!!) and I love following the whole family on Instagram and completely geeked out when I met you guys at a book signing but I have to say that I get so worked up on your behalf over all the pregnancy comments!
It’s downright rude and tacky to discuss such matters before the person has indicated that it’s now a “public matter”.
My now husband and I dated for 11 years before getting engaged and I honestly think that having everyone incessantly hounding us to get married or predicting that every vacation we took we be “the one”, contributed to us waiting so long.
And PS the 50 Cent/Adam Levine/Eminem song is amazeballs!
Leigh says
You are always so gracious and polite. I would never ask someone if they are pregnant, even if its seemingly obvious. Bravo guys! I love you always take the high road. i think thats one reason why people love you guys so much.
I get asked if I am or when it will happen at least once a day and that’s by people in my real life. We had trouble conceiving the first time and were just told this week that matters haven’t improved, but gotten worse, so we are guaranteed to have trouble if and when we choose to try again. The seemingly innocent questions make me feel horrible and they sting, even though I know people mean no harm in asking.
I think Kate’s long torso helps her hide that belly. People kept telling me they couldn’t tell I was pregnant until I was around 32 weeks. I’m 5’8″ but I think it’s the long torso that helped hide it.
Melissa Grant says
HERE HERE! Not only is “OMG are you pregnant?” annoying for all the reasons you state above, but so is “so when are you going to have another baby?” Now, this one is usually from family or close friends for whom a semi-lengthy explanation (I hated every second of my pregnancy that I was not actually eating ice cream, preeclampsia is scary, birth recovery endless, nursing super challenging, oh and I like to sleep more than 2 hours at a stretch generally, and we’re super happy just the way were are with our one perfect girl, thanks for asking…) is okay and, often, received graciously. BUT, for all the casual acquaintances, work colleagues (also ahem, can be illegal at work), hairdressers, bank tellers, teachers etc. please. don’t. ask. Whew! Thanks for posting this Sherry, and thanks for letting me vent too.
Sally says
Thanks for pointing out the illegality about asking about pregnancy at work. I work with mostly men, who are well intentioned but don’t really grasp how the questions about future kids be a problem.
Elsie (A Beautiful Mess) says
Haha! I LOVE this. So true. It’s so not fun to get asked this ? constantly. I totally feel you on all of the above point. You’re braver and cooler than me for articulating it all in such a classy and funny way! :D Love your vibe + your blog.
Dawn says
Well said Sherry. You all share so much of your lives with us with humor and grace. You’re entitled to keep things at arms length when you wish to. I’m currently pregnant and had a rocky start after a miscarriage over the summer. So I’ve been scared to death the whole pregnancy. So sometimes it can seem rude when people won’t let it go. So glad you dealt with it so eloquently.
Shannon Cooper says
This post is so amazing! I strongly feel that no one should ever ask someone if they’re pregnant, why they’re not pregnant, when/if they will be pregnant again. I think it very rarely makes people feel good about themselves. It makes people feel pressure or feel fat or feel disappointed that it isn’t happening for them. So many people have miscarriages or are unable to get pregnant or are just carrying some extra weight. No one likes to be asked and people should share when and if they feel comfortable! Good for you for being as gracious as Princess Kate in handling this difficult topic!
Andrea says
Just wanted to comment, as many others have, that I’m sorry you had to write a post around this topic. You addressed it so eloquently. I hope that readers will give you the privacy you need *and deserve* about this, and other personal topics.
Jackie Seybert says
SO HAPPY you wrote this. Since my husband and I have been married we’ve been asked on almost a daily basis when we are having a baby. It gets annoying and quite frankly, it’s no ones business! You go girl!
Rebecca says
As someone who HAS struggled with fertility (took us 3 years and a bunch of failed treatments to get our LO here) I can totally relate to your frustration and applaud you for handling it so beautifully in your post. Because of what i went through, i just never even mention or ask someone these kinds of things. Its none of my business unless the person wants it to be. Props to you and health and happiness to your sweet little fam!
Holly says
“You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.” –Dave Barry
Jen W says
Perfect!
Claire Belmonte says
I rarely comment but as much as you’ve gotten your point across effectively, you’ve also shown us such a terrific example of understanding and love- on the internet! Wait…what? Shine on Sherdog!
YoungHouseLove says
Hahahaha, thanks Claire! You guys are the best.
xo
s
Kara says
Oh my goodness I hate that you had to do this post! You should call up Kate Middleton and be like, “girrrrrrl, I get you.”
Can I give you permission to lie about it if/when you are? You have my permission to lie to everyone until you’re ready to talk about it. There. I know that’s what you were waiting for. Seriously, lie through your teeth. Everyone will forgive you when you are ready to tell.
But listen, I TOTALLY get it. And I’m sure lots of other people do, too. I didn’t feel comfortable telling anyone about my second pregnancy until close to 20 weeks just because I was waiting for the first ultrasound, then the second, then to stop feeling sick, and so on until finally I was really showing and a miscarriage would have been a big enough deal that people would have to know because I’d have been hospitalized for real. Which is SO morbid, but once you’re in the mom club you hear every horrible pregnancy story out there and are just so aware of everything that can happen.
OB in CA says
WELL DONE! As an OB I see it all – infertility, miscarriages, high risk pregnancies….Thank you for raising awareness that while pregnancy-related comments and questions are not intended to be hurtful, they can be quite heartbreaking to the recipient. Nothing in life is a sure thing and we can never know what someone’s experience has been.
gk says
amen. i hate that you have to preface everything with “no, mom, i’m not pregnant.” i can’t imagine how bizarre it must be to have so many strangers care so much about the state of your uterus! it is never appropriate to ask somebody if they’re pregnant unless it is super, in your face obvious. maybe not even then. you don’t know what people are going through or have been through.
if i get pregnant, i’ll just look like any other currently childless lady having a baby. i’ll probably get well-meaning questions like “is it your first? aren’t you just so excited?” but it won’t be my first child. i recently lost my daughter shortly after birth (in short – cord accident), had my own health issues pop up post-pregnancy, and learned that if i am so lucky as to get pregnant again, i will be high risk. any future pregnancy will be joy mixed with anxiety and the knowledge that life offers no guarantees. the honest answer to well-meaning questions may not be something you want to hear.
YoungHouseLove says
Oh gk I’m so so sorry for your loss.
xo
s
Catherine says
@gk – You should check out http://www.preginst.com. It’s my dad’s nonprofit. He’s been taking care of women who have experienced cord accidents for 20 years.
Kelle McCarthy says
Thanks for sharing your story. It makes me want to share my story of hope for another baby. I did not have the medical complications you had but had a preemie baby born at 25 weeks. This was my second pregnancy and a very wanted and long awaited, as we tried forever it seemed to get pregnant, but could not. Anyway, our little boy Matthew died only 23 days after he was born. The worst nightmare a parent could go through. After he passed, I could not even imagine getting pregnant again, as I never wanted to go through the pain of losing a baby or the possibility of it. I wanted to get back on “the pill” right away. But somehow my husband talked me into not getting on birth control because it took us 4 years to get pregnant. Low and behold, I found out I was pregnant right away and our now 9 year old was born 13 months later. I was nervous throughout the pregnancy especially the time around when Matthew was born (25 weeks or so) I was on bed rest the entire time and would pray, pray, pray on a daily basis for my unborn baby. It was hard but I must say that I had so sort of peace about this pregnancy. The bible had a lot to do with that. You too will be fine when the time comes and just remember to pray, pray, pray and have faith that you too can have another baby. I wish you luck when the time comes.
Thanks for listening to my story as it always helps even 10 years later to try and help others and remember our sweet little Matthew.
YoungHouseLove says
Oh Kelle, I’m so so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine. I am so glad you had peace with your next pregnancy and that it all turned out well.
xo
s
S R says
Oh my goodness. I have NEVER understood why people think it is acceptable to ask such a personal question! I have never asked another woman if they are expecting or even “WHEN” they plan on having one. Its extremely personal and its not okay to ask people. You’re right. It hurts feelings, all women have days they feel frumpy and lots of women are trying and can’t get there. People really need to learn to be more respectful, I know they mean no harm but there seriously needs to be some social guidelines in place.
Amy says
Beautifully, beautifully, beautifully written. Perfect.
I had a difficult time deciding whether to try for kid #2 because it meant passing on genes i wasnt sure should be passed on. Plus, our first kid was/is amazing — it was lovely to spend a little extra time with her as a singleton. Then when we started trying for #2, it took longer than expected.
You have graciously summarized the reasons not to be nosey about anyone’s uterus. I got to the point where I would cheerily yet firmly tell people “None-ya!” (as in None Of Ya Bizness) and they got the gist.
Carrie says
SO WELL SAID. Thank you for explaining how awkward it can be to field those questions. Those are some serious risks and if/when a Bean #2 comes along, you’ll have a gazillion prayers with you the entire way.
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks Carrie!
xo
s
carrie_b says
I wholeheartedly agree with those who commented before me – what a polite and gracious post on a very sensitive topic. You have all my admiration for this – I’d probably have gone nuts a long time ago had I been confronted with SO many of these questions. Well done, Sherry!
Christiane says
I know I don’t know you personally, but I’m proud of you for making this “declaration”. You brought up really important points I think we all don’t ponder sometimes when we ask the preggo questions. You stood up for yourself, set a healthy boundary, and also stood up for other women experiencing the same (or worse) pressure/irritation. Go SherDog! :)
Lindsay says
I feel like I should print out this article and hand it to every single of my coworkers. I don’t get asked nearly as often as you, and I can completely understand your position.
I’m sure that if, and when, the time is right, you will share the news, but until then, just enjoy your little family of 3..err 4 (sorry Burger!)…and sip some wine!
Katie says
Wow. To quote Seinfeld “you either have grace or you don’t” that my dear was handled with superior grace!
YoungHouseLove says
Aw thanks Katie!
xo
s
Jen W says
Good for you, $herdog. You’re a class act, I don’t think I would have been quite so gracious. I get tired of the baby question too – we’re newlyweds, so sometimes it feels like people think my uterus is public domain. I hope that reading this will help people to realize what a sensitive topic it can be for some folks and they’ll think twice before asking! Thanks for always keeping it real!
Kerrie says
My Hubs and I were married for 6 years before we had our lil gal, so I feel you on the barrage of questions. Somewhere around year 3 I perfected the line (stolen from Eat, Love, Pray) “not yet, but soon” it was what people wanted to hear and my soon vs the rest of the world’s soon didn’t matter.
carrie_b says
And by the way… WHAT A TITLE!!! :-)
Colleen says
Thank god for this post! I am been dealing with the same comments for the past year..you finally gave me a way to graciously deal with peoples comments. It’s so nice to hear from someone that’s going through the same thing!
Rebecca S says
Good for you Sherry! I have been a reader for years and I have really cringed in the last few months at the ridiculous amount of inquiries about whether you are pregnant. You really handled this with class and I’m glad you addressed it.
Kate C. says
Sherry and John – I feel you! Our son is just a few months older than Clara, and we are always getting asked that question. We are just enjoying our little man, and will have another if/when the time is right, so power to you!
Keep posting about that hilarious/adorable little girl of yours!
Karoline says
Word. You said it very gracefully and I wish I had had this post for reference during early conversations with my mother-in-law, who greeted me at a family dinner two months BEFORE my wedding with “Do you like my earrings? They’re Navajo for grandmother!” And I was forced to wonder what was Navajo for “seriously??”
YoungHouseLove says
Hahah!
xo
s
Kathryn says
Karoline, that actually, literally made me laugh out loud.
Amber says
Best post title ever! Which one of you came up with that one? I’m so glad you wrote this post. We are not having children, and I just get so sick of people asking. It must be 1000x worse for you :)
YoungHouseLove says
Oddly enough this post title came to me a few nights ago lying in bed. The funny part is that I thought of “State of The Womb Address” first – and then I thought, no wait, Uterus is much closer to Union! Hahahah! I’m a nerd.
xo
s
Erin@Managing the Manor says
Such a great post. I’m in the same boat–our son is 3, and every time I do something like ask a friend for coffee, or for lunch, they always think I’m going to break news to them that I’m pregnant!
BTW–can I hire you to create witty titles for my blog??! :)
YoungHouseLove says
Haha, I can try. Hmm. How about Meerkat Manor. Can you work that one in?
xo
s
Avone says
I LOVE this post, and kudos to you for being so gracious about it. I’ve been guilty of pregnancy questioning (to close friends and/or family, definitely not random blog “strangers”), but after secondary infertility and a couple of miscarriages myself, I finally “got it.” I’m sure everyone always has only the best of intentions in their asking, but you’re right that there isn’t a way to do it without potential hurt/awkwardness/thunder stealing.
I hope you don’t have to answer this question ever again. :)
Laurie says
Sherry, I am so glad you did this. There have been so many times I’ve been ready to start a fight in the comment section – wanting to tell people to chill the heck out and stop being tacky about “calling it”.
Bravo!
lindseydawn says
This was a great post. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked when we will have kids. I’m now pregnant with #1 and people constantly ask how far apart #1 will be. Let’s just enjoy today, people!
Jeannette says
Sherry, I respect your post so much! I’m my parent’s own miracle baby (and only child) and at 28 years old, *I* get asked all the time about my parent’s reproductive choices, and have been my entire life. How ridiculous is that? I can only imagine what my parents went through when I was little.
YoungHouseLove says
Wow, that’s crazy!
xo
s
Allison says
You guys are the sweetest people around
Tiffany says
I am please that a bunch of your readers are in your corner on this, commenting away, way to go readers! My face was frowned up so much reading your post, I didn’t even finish it, honest, I clicked right out of reader in my own fit of rage. It’s inappropriate to ask such questions in this age of fertility. Sheeeeesh. Well stated & well done.
Barbara says
My dear, if you NEVER have another child, you’ll have beat the crowd by raising Clara into a wonderful girl!!
It’s nobody’s business if you’re pregnant. QUIT ASKING, GUYS!!