Burning Question: Feeling Gifted?
This week we’re back with one of those questions that can seriously stump people (read: us). What do you do when people give you home-decor type gifts that you don’t really like? Say your mother-in-law is constantly buying stuff to spruce up your space (but you’re less than enthused at the items of her choosing). Do you put the stuff out for a while and then gradually move it into storage? Do you just learn to love it and display it for the long haul? Do you only put it out when the gift giver is visiting? Do you admit off the bat that it’s not your style and ask if they’d mind if you exchanged it for something that’s more your speed?
We’re itching to hear where you stand on the issue. In fact, we whipped up this handy little poll to keep everything tabulated:
[poll id="17"]
We’d love to hear more about why you voted the way you did, so feel free to comment away with more details.
Image courtesy of Essere Organics.
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Luckily, most people in my family include receipts with their gifts, in case something doesn’t fit, or we’d like to return the item. Or, we get giftcards, which is always nice. My MIL does like to bargain shop once in a while, and I know it’s with good intentions… she’ll buy us shelves, or fabric, patterns to make with that fabric, and just random stuff for decor. She doesn’t seem to be offended if we don’t end up using something she gave us, so if it doesn’t work, we give it away or toss it. Some things, I at least try to display and see if it grows on me.
I try to salvage as much as I can when I get a gift that isn’t my style…and I find that a bottle of white spray paint and a nice duvet can transform any misunderstood gift.
I think the polite thing to do is to accept the gift graciously. What you choose to do with the gift afterwards is up to you. I either donate unwanted gifts to charity, or offer the gift to a friend who may appreciate it more.
In the case of what to do with a sentimental gift, I would probably store it a hope chest, and keep it for the next generation of family. Who knows, what one person sees as a hideous portrait of Grandma, could become a family treasure in years to come!
I am not unwilling to tell people I don’t like gifts. I’d rather be up front with them and be able to go get something I want. This works for any kind of gift. The only home decor piece we still have and don’t like is a wedding gift we got. We kept it because we looked it up online and someone had spent about 200 bucks on this jungle themed chip and dip tray. We’ll give it a few years and try to sell it on e-bay cause it was limited edition. :)
I work with a younger girl (early 20s) who loves Pottery Barn. She’s on a very tight budget and, due to my schedule (waiting for my daughter to finish gymnastics), I spend a TON of time in a Pottery Barn Outlet. I am an avid bargain-hunter. Typically, I only purchase items if they’re close to 75% off. (Seriously. I’m cheap.) So, when I see items which are inexpensive that I think (but I’m not sure – I’ve never been to her place) my coworker will like, I buy them for her. I always tell her to re-gift or send to goodwill if she doesn’t like anything (and I MEAN that). I love the thrill of getting a bargain and if she likes it, that is even better!
Honestly? I put it in the attic and forget about it. Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on how you look at it) we’ve lived in our house for 3+ years and have never really “moved in.” The only room that’s even remotely decorated is the dining room (read: a few pictures on the walls and knick-knacks on the shelves). So I use that laziness as an excuse for not displaying things I don’t like. Some day when I clean the attic, I’ll find things and hopefully I won’t even remember who gave them to us so I can then send them off to goodwill so someone else can appreciate them.
Honestly, I’m kind of a pansy when it comes to confrontation and I HATE making anyone feel bad so I’d leave it out for a while and then later I’ll put it away. I like to change the place up a bit when the seasons change so it wouldn’t be up for long anyway.
say thank you, *maybe* put it out for a short time, then it disappears into a pile for donation. If ever asked about it, I can say “oh, it’s somewhere.” Yes indeed it is somewhere, just not here! ;-)
I tend to have NO sense of style. I usually don’t know what to do with some things until someone (usually my Mom) “shows me the way”. When I see the potential I love it and then it becomes a treasure.
This post reminds me of when my husband first got his own place. We met shortly after his divorce while he was living with a roommate and he’d left almost all the furniture, dishes, decorations etc. with his ex-wife and their son. When he left the roommate for a one bedroom apartment, his parents came over to help him decorate with their castoffs. I walked in and saw an extremely dark, depressing, HUGE abstract bamboo print over the couch. Then I walked into the bedroom and saw curtains that were EXACTLY the same ruffled, eyelet white material that I’d picked out for my bedroom when I was seven years old – except these were a different style and were even more ruffly and poofy. I don’t know how they thought they were appropriate for a bachelor pad. Frighteningly enough, he said he’d already declined or put away the worst of it.
Since then, his side of the family has gifted us with countless castoffs. Most of them we tried to fix up and use until we got a replacement, rearranged the furniture or moved (a great excuse to get rid of all sorts of things!).
Thankfully, (7 years later) I think they’ve come to realize that we have our own style and we have our house pretty much filled up now so the offers are fewer and further between…and we’re better at politely declining.
My mil does this to us. For her, we put it away (still in the box) and in a year or two we regift it – to her. She shops thinking about what she would like, so in a year, when she gets it back, she’s always seemed to love it. She never mentions that she bought us a similar one. Honestly, she just doesn’t remember what she buys. If I mention that she bought something for one of the kids she’ll be like “I did?”.
My Grandma does it right. She always re-gifts but the diffence is she re-gifts back to the gifter(she has re-gifted back to me) her thoughts are if you liked it enough to buy it you will probably like it enough to recieve it!
We do the “disappearing gift” trick. First, display prominently in the living area. Invite the gifter over for dinner so they can see it. A short time later, move it to a non-main room. Still there for them to see, but it “worked better in here”. Last, THE VERY MINUTE a friend or aquaintance comments they like it…GIVE it to them, then explain to gifter that ______________ loved it so much that we just couldn’t say no.
Luckily, my MIL gives everything with a gift receipt, my mom buys only second-hand or antiques that she’s already checked with me on, and my brother-in-law refuses to give “stuff”, only “experiences” (couples massage certificates, zoo passes, yearly passes to the closest theme park, restaurant gift cards, 3 day cruise!). This isn’t much of an issue for us!
My mother-in-law likes to decorate for us (going so far as to put flowers all over our wedding cake when no one was watching!) but the worst was the glass rooster. Yes, you read that right. She got me a glass rooster for Christmas. I just stick the stuff from her in a closet for awhile (in case she asks – which she never does) until I give it to Goodwill. If she ever gave me an heirloom, I’d treasure it. But the tacky junk? No thanks! I hope in time, she’ll start to take the hint.
I live across the country from most of my family which means I can get away with not using or displaying the gifts a little easier than most. It’s not often that I get something that is kind of a stinker, but occasionally it happens. Since I have a new house, I take lots of photos to share with the folks at home. Making sure that the “gift” shows up in some photos makes them feel good about it, and I feel like sparing people’s feelings by not telling them you don’t like a gift is the right thing to do. I keep the gifts(with a tag of who gave it to me) so that just in case I ever get a visit from one of the gift givers I can incorporate it somewhere in my home when they visit.
Not in this house! If I don’t love it, then it’s clutter and OUT it goes. And it took a while for me to get to this point, but I don’t accept “gifts” that I’m not allowed to dispose of as I see fit. If they only want to give it to me to hang on to, but I have to give it back when I don’t like it anymore…then just keep it! I’m not a storage unit for the crap that you buy! And I’m not obligated to keep things just to show them off when the gifter comes by. If I loved it, then it would be on display year round.
Bottom line: if you’re not okay with me getting rid of it, then don’t give it to me in the first place.
I typically regift.
In the past year while cleaning out closet space for the baby to be, I’ve given away a lot of cow items my family bought for me years ago and then were put into storage when I moved in with my husband. I felt terrible doing it, but they needed to go!
My family is probably considered really odd. My mother gave us a really ugly bowl of huge pinecones to set atop the counter. I turned around, rewrapped them, and gave them back to my mother. A month later, they were given to my aunt, who then wrapped them and sent them to my sister. In turn, my sister rewrapped them and shipped them to my cousin… who sent the pinecones back to me. I’m waiting for my other aunt’s birthday in July to send them (all wrapped in gorgeous hand stamped paper, with a brick in the bottom to add confusing weight to the package). This is just the latest round of being “Pineconed”. Sadly, before this, it was “getting fished” because we were all regifting a horribly ugly neon orange mounted fish on a plaque.
We’re not a shy family. We might not say “oh, this won’t work here” – we’ll just rewrap it and use it as a traveling joke.
I keep it for the Christmas White Elephant exchange with whichever side of the family didn’t give it to me. If it’s a gift from a friend, I will thank them for their thoughtfulness and be more forthcoming that it’s not quite my style.
The hardest part is when something is handmade b/c you obviously can’t return it or donate it. One of my mom’s friends gave us a beautiful and very intricate quilt for our wedding. The problem is that it’s very, very PINK. I tucked it away in a closet with the hope that someday we’ll have a super girly girl in the house that will love it!
I stick it in a closet (often still in the bag) ’till I find it again a few months later and take it to the thrift store. I’m not particularly sentimental! I will say that my mom gave me a tiny vase that had belonged to her mother that totally isn’t my style, so I use it to bring flowers from my garden to my mom. For the most part, though, I think people know how particular I am so they don’t bring me house-decorating gifts.
Funny you should ask! I am a bridesmaid for an upcoming wedding and today I had this exact conversation with the bride- we called them “GIFT gifts.” At her shower, she received a piggy bank that was two pigs on top of each other. The bottom one said “Her Money,” and was the big pig. The top layer said “His Money,” and was significantly smaller. While it was a cute idea, it would never be anythinig they would want cluttering their tiny starter apartment. I say give it away! Like I told her, that stuff will follow you around forever if you don’t nip it in the bud. However, there are some people that like those things (knick-knacks), and I thought it would be brilliant to start a website full of re-gifts…thoughts…anyone?
One more thing! Never forget that the people who love you genuinely know you too. My mom (well, actually my whole family) is not the best gift-giver, but last year for Christmas she painted- and she is by no means the artsy-type- a picture that she said captured me the best. She was on the mark and more. The painting was of music things with a cityscape in the background. The piano notes were of one of my favorite songs. That is a gift that could never be appreciated by ANYONE but me! I think a lot of the other gifts are generic attempts in a frantic situation to simply just present a gift.
We’re loving the idea for a website full of regifts! Hooray for gift “recycling.”
xo,
s
A secret my husband and I have from last christmas… we were given two absolutely terrible decor gifts: a photo of us from a wedding that was entirely out of focus on a picture frame that looks like it was from the 80′s, and a strange glass clock with what looked like a corny Italian design with a shot glass picture on it. One gift was from my side of the family, another his. We decided to hang the items when our family came to visit but soon after donated everything (but the photo of course… that was shredded) and told the gifters that my husband bumped into it and broke it… we just made sure enough time had passed so there was less chance of ever seeing that clock in a store to repurchase. Eventually though we’re going to have to think of a long term excuse not to have them up… Kids maybe?
I donate. I love my home so much that I don’t allow anything there what is not my favourite. This is only place in the wolrd I may do this so – I do :-)
I love my mom. When I was seven I was crazy about Elvis. To this DAY she still buys every single Elvis item she can find to give me. Sigh…..
I was just faced with this very problem this week! My husband and I are expecting a baby (in 4 weeks!). A family friend gave us a painting for the nursery. Only problem is the painting is primary colors — red, blue, yellow and green — and our nursery is robin’s egg blue, chocolate brown and cream. :( The painting will only come out if this family friend visits!
My future MIL tends to give cheap little knick-knacky gifts for just about every occasion. She is a very sweet woman and we always tell her that gifts aren’t necessary (we have plenty of “stuff” and her financial status isn’t the best – we’re happy just to have them over for dinner once in a while – her and my future FIL live about an hour away).
My mom on the other hand gives awesome gifts. She knows our style (better than I do) and usually it’s something that I never would’ve thought of, but it looks fantastic! However, sometimes she gives weird presents I don’t know what to do with too just because she wants to see my reaction. (They don’t care if I end up re-gifting or donating to goodwill, the reaction to them is worth the cost) My brother tends to do this too. (One year when I was in college he have me a variety of SpongeBob related things – including the MOST annoying alarm clock in the universe – because I was working on my thesis on Nickelodeon as part of my Broadcasting degree)
Usually they do this because there is some sort of inside joke. I have a small collection of items that are based on the “leg lamp” from A Christmas Story because every year I would BEG to watch it (my parents weren’t particularly fond of the movie and had a hard time understanding why I was) – I have a framed picture of the leg lamp she found in a decor magazine that used it (as a joke) in a bedroom and last year she sent me a small string of lights that are the leg lamp (they’re on my cubicle wall at work). I send her goofy flamingo stuff too (they recently moved to Florida) so it works out well. She puts it out when I come to visit in a very prominent place (as a joke) an it’s always pretty funny.
They also send my fiance Hawaiian shirts (they call them Florida shirts) to wear when we come visit. If he forgets them, my dad has an entire CLOSET full of shirts that he can wear when we’re down there. It’s pretty funny.
What we’re a little worried about is when we get married next year. We aren’t planning on registering for gifts – (there are only a few items we want – like china, silver and possibly some other heirloom quality items – and those will more than likely be purchased by my family) but we are saving up to purchase our first home. How should we go about saying that we’d prefer money to put toward our “House Fund” instead of “stuff” (that honestly will more than likely end up in a box somewhere until we throw stuff away) without sounding rude?
Hey Amy,
Here’s hoping you can get a ton of ideas from reading back through the comments!
xo,
s
I get quite a bit of stuff from the family in law. Some of it we’ve kept, as we’re not sure what to do – massive seashell wreath the grandmother made. Some we have given to Goodwill – electric skillet not used in the two years I did hold on to it. Our reaction to the item depends on the item and the reason it was given. This has now sparked a blog post for me. Thanks for the inspiration!
My father-in-law is a fabulous woodworker. The rub: his style is completely not mine (or ours!!). I like clean, modern lines, and he won’t build a thing unless he can turn it on his lathe. We convinced him to make us a wonderful (square, clean) mirror, some salad & decorative bowls, and then our giant (seats 10!) kitchen table, but when he begged off making anything further our style and yet, continues to send unrequested little things (salt and pepper grinders, coasters, a banana hammock (!!!)), I squirrel them away in a box if my hubs doesn’t want to take them to his office or work.
They will go to Goodwill. I do feel kinda badly about it.
OMG @Tori My MIL always gets us cat stuff! This past Xmas for my “big” gift she got me a wrought iron cat fan!!! I have no idea what to do with it… Also, my FIL told my Grandmother in law that I love tea. So now she always sends me little tea sets! What??? I mean, i like tea just as much as the next person… but what am i going to do with more than one tea set?? Once we move, i plan on “losing” them.. i.e. sell on ebay, craigslist, yard sale, etc…
My in-laws aren’t the issue when it comes to gifts, but my mom is! I feel awful complaining about gifts from here, but honestly, some of the things she’s gotten me for Christmas are not just ‘not my taste’, but nowhere near the same hemisphere or age range of my taste.
One year, she bought me a picture. Before I opened it, I saw that it was something like 2×3 ft and was curious/excited about it. She had recently taken a trip, so I thought it might have been some local art or a watercolor (in the past, I was big into watercolor paintings). It ended up being a framed poster of baby dogs and cats, like what might be hung in the room of a girl around the age of 8-10. I was polite about it, but she could see I was kind of baffled by it. I like animals, but I would never in a million years hang this in my home and managed to politely say so.
The next year, there was another picture. This one ended up being even more baffling, both because of its subject matter and the fact that it looked to be somewhat expensive (I’m guessing, anyway. It’s got a wire hanger and brown paper for backing, so it looks expensive to my eyes). It’s a 2×3 ft picture with the Lord’s Prayer on it, surrounded by something resembling pictures of Precious Moments figurines. I’m not religious in any way and I DESPISE Precious Moments figurines. I haven’t figured out what to do with this thing yet. I wish I had the nerve to rip off the paper backing and replace the picture with something more to my tastes.
That same year for Christmas, another gift she gave me was a ceramic wide brimmed hat, decked out with a baby pink ribbon and flowers. It’s supposed to be something you hang on the wall for decoration. It’s not at all my style, but besides that, I flat out despise the color pink. I’ve hated it since I was around the age of 10 and she is aware of this. The thing that gets me about the hat is that it would look completely appropriate in the bedroom of a baby or girl under the age of 8, so I have no idea why she would think that her late-20s daughter would enjoy something like that. Go shopping with me once or just talk to me for 5 minutes about decor and it’s pretty obvious what my tastes are, so I was so confused by this gift.
All of these are taking up real estate in my house, even though they are all several years old. I’m thinking about giving the hat to my niece (she’s 6 and loves pink) and recycling the frames with pictures of things I enjoy.
I will say that she did once give either me or my husband a wooden vase. At the time, we both though it was a random/weird gift, but I recently rediscovered it and realized it will go nicely with our living room decor.
Although, I’m still not sure what to do with the giant BRIGHT ORANGE ceramic pipe “sculpture/possible ashtray” she gave my husband last year…
Thank you very much, that is a very nice post!
http://www.5misa.com/actualite-gratuit/sports/mondial-2010-afrique-du-sud
One year, my aunt gave me a giant, GOLD, collage picture frame. I loved the frame, but was not quite a fan of the gold. So, I went home, painted it black, and it now hangs up for all to see. I haven’t told her yet, but she’ll see it when she comes to visit. She knows I’m “particular” about my decor, so I know she’ll understand why I painted it. And I’m sure she’d rather have me modify it so that I can use it, rather than hide it or give it away!
We live in another country than our family but usually go “home” to see them for Christmas, and my grandmother probably has a world record in buying people things they don’t want and the stuff from her hardly ever enters our suitcases when we pack to leave after the holidays.
I noticed a lot of people receive unwanted stuff from the mother in-laws, mine only buys me things she knows I want, she usually asks my husband what I want or even just takes me shopping for it. My own mother however, every now and again buys something that I kindly thank her for but then tuck away out of sight, but fortunately she tends to forget quickly so I just donate the stuff to charity shops.
Also, I absolutely don’t like it when people buy gifts abroad or on sale so you can’t return them. When I give gifts I encourage people to change them if they don’t suit.
I make absolutely sure I cannot use now or in the near future. If neither is possible, I go back to the gift-giver & ask explain that the gift does not fit ‘colorwise.’ If it is mother-in-law or close friend, I may ask her/him to go w/ me to select something we both like….that usually elicits, “Oh, you just pick out what you like…” …usually problem solved….
I am a mother of an adult daughter who is married, making me a MIL, & I am also a DIL, who has an MIL & FIL. Folks, sometimes tactful honesty is the best policy. The other solution is to simply have someplace like a guest room where all unwanted gifts can be displayed, if you don’t know what else to do. Guests are sometimes very clumsy.
I totally susceptible to guilt, and if the gift giver is a close family member {who, frankly, should know us better!} I leave the item out for a bit. Fortunately we have a guest room, where the orange {my least favorite colour} duvet cover and commercial art {hello, I have a BFAH why are you giving me commercial art?!} now reside until they get kicked out for a bambino.
Most of my unwanted decor gifts come from my MIL and SIL… it’s been four years now that we’ve known each other so I’m getting much better at letting the guilt {and “stuff”} go. Especially when someone who knows haw very particular I am about not having random xmas ornaments on my tree gives me random ornaments for xmas. Feeling insulted actually helps lessen the guilt a whole lot! *lol*
My father has a very sweet habit of buying me home dec items at garage sales. The trouble is that he very RARELY gets my style right. Usually, I try to incorporate his gifts into my decor, but if, after three months of living with the gift, I either don’t like it or can’t find a good place for it, it’s either off to a friend or out to Goodwill. Since the gifting’s gotten a little out-of-hand lately, I sweetly told him that I no longer “needed” anything and, although I appreciate the thought, to just leave it at the garage sale. It’s working so far!
Oh gosh, I know this is terrible, but my mother-in-law bought us a vase that we both hated last Christmas, and we told her that our dog (who is quite large, and known for his destructive swiping tail) knocked it over and it smashed so that she didn’t expect to see it out! Yes, I do feel bad for blaming poor Trigger!
Say thank you and gush over it when opening the gift and then first chance I get it goes into the bag to goodwill. I have enough storage problems for all the things I do like, so the things I don’t like just have to go bye-bye. My mother was a stickler for always saying you liked gifts even if you didn’t and she passed the trait on to me.